Other Woman #2
One year after Wusband and his children moved in with me and I discoverd Other Woman #1, Wusband and I had decided that my house was too small for our blended family. We sold my house and moved. We ended up in a rental due to some problems with the sale of the house we had planned on purchasing. During the year between #1 and #2, I had discovered only one other suspicious event: a series of text messages arranging a sexual meet-up with another woman.
Wusband claimed she was a crazy ex-client who was hitting on him or thought she was texting with someone else. He claimed he and a coworker were responding to her texts in jest, making fun of her. The entire text conversation took place only on one day, and there were no other similar texts before or after that. I again decided to believe him.
Here we were, having just moved, planning on renting this house temporarily and buying a house soon. We prepaid six months of rent to get a shorter lease. Then one day, I got a Facebook message from a woman I didn't know, claiming that Wusband cheated on me with her. She and I scheduled a time to talk so I could get all the details, but Wusband convinced me to let him share his side of the story before I spoke with her. He claimed she was a client who came onto him, tried to seduce him, and pressured him to be with her. He said he let her kiss him, but that was as far as it went.
He told me all of this (which of course all turned out to be lies) with tears in his eyes. He sobbed over the fear of losing me. His emotions were so real. He seemed so raw and honest. I believed him. I didn't call #2 the next day, as we had planned. I didn't want to hear what I assumed would be lies from her.
A few weeks later, I began to be suspicious. Things just didn't add up. Wusband and I fought about it. He insisted he was telling the truth and that I was making up narratives in my mind, connecting dots that were really irrelevant to one another. I couldn't stand not knowing the truth. So I talked to #2. I got the entire story. I told Wusband I had spoken with her, and still he denied that anything else had happened. He told me she was lying and crazy.
#2 gave me the name of a mutual friend who could confirm the affair. I called him, and he did indeed confirm it. It turns out he knew about the affair and hadn't told me because Wusband assured him I knew. I was able to sneak Wusband's phone one night and spent hours digging through it. I found the text messages between him and #2. I also found messages with at least four other women, some of them sexting, some making plans to meet up for sex, and in some, Wusband was actively trying to get these women to have sex with him.
I left him. I packed my stuff and moved out. At the time, I thought this separation was permanent. But I couldn't stay away. I continued to let him in my life. He admitted the affair, apologized repeatedly and with so much apparent heartbreak that I truly believed he was remorseful. We went to couples' counseling for months.
Here's a word of caution about couples' counseling (coming from someone who truly believes in the power of therapy, as I have actively been in therapy since discovering Other Woman #4): The counselor's job is to help you overcome your issues as a couple. This does not mean the counselor is looking out for you as an individual person. This means the counselor is going to do whatever it takes to make you and your partner stay together. The focus is on both of you as a couple, not on what is actually best for you.
I know now that Wusband lied through all of counseling. He made up stories about his childhood, adolescence, parents, and first marriage to explain his infidelity. He said anything it took to get me take him back. Five months later, I truly believed he had overcome all of his personal demons that had led him to cheat. I thought that we had overcome the affair together. The counselor led me to believe that once a relationship survives this type of crisis, the couple is stronger and closer than before the crisis began. I thought we were embarking on a new journey together and that our relationship would be infinitely better than it had ever been before.
So when Wusband proposed, I said yes, and we all moved back in together. I believed he had changed. I was absolutely sure that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.
So why did I take him back after Other Woman #2? Because he was an incredibly good liar. And because I didn't let him go when I left him. I allowed him to continue to manipulate me and restart the cycle of abuse. I look back now and can see that he once again put on his Mr. Right mask. He flooded me with love-bombing. He was actively pursuing me just as he had in the beginning. But I thought he was being genuine.
If I could visit myself at this point in my life, when I had agreed to marry Wusband but before we lived under one roof again, this is what I would tell myself:
I know how good it feels to be loved by him. He makes you feel like you are the most important and special person who's ever been in his life. But none of this is real. He's only pretending. You couldn't stay away because he has abused you so much that you are addicted to him. He is your drug. Withdrawal is hard. But this man who wants to marry you, this man who cried in every counseling session, this man who professed his love to you and begged you to take him back, this isn't who he really is. Underneath all this, there is a monstrous, sick, dellusional little boy who only wants to continue to use and abuse you.
He's not done cheating. He's probably cheating right now, but if not, he certainly will be within three months of your wedding day. You can't imagine the pain that is coming your way. Marrying him will be the biggest regret of your life. Remember how horrible you felt when you discovered the second affair? Hold on to that. Because this man who seems to love you so much has no real concern for your feelings or well-being. He will make you feel that way again, and next time, he won't even pretend to be sorry.
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