I've been thinking a lot about this question lately. Why do we stay after discovering our spouses have cheated? Why is it so hard to leave these partners who don't aren't even true partners, as they don't treat us with respect, dignity, or loyalty? Why do we provide them with additional opportunities to repeat their betrayals?
I'd like to begin to attempt answering this question - Why do we stay? - by reflecting over my own responses to Wusband's infidelities.
I initially intended this to be one post, but as I began writing, this post turned out to be very long. Therefore, I will break this up into three or four separate posts. I guess I have a lot to say about the affairs. Some of this I haven't discussed in a very long time. Some of this I've never shared with anyone.
Other Woman #1
I discovered the first affair (at least, the first that I know about) when Wusband and I had been together for two years. We had been serious for the majority of that time. We said, "I love you" about one month in. We met each other's kids after about three months. Then we spent the next year and nine months helping our children get to know each other and us, building a sense of comfort with what we both said would one day be a blended family. We took the next step, moving in together, very slowly. Wusband said at the time this was because he wanted to make sure the kids would all be well-adjusted. But we had finally moved in together. I felt like the luckiest woman in the world, having my knight in shining armor and his two children living under my roof. I felt like we were finally a family.
Shortly after he moved in, his children unknowingly tipped me off about the affair. They stumbled across a picture of a naked woman on his tablet and showed it to me. I confiscated the device and searched through it to make sure there was nothing else inappropriate they would accidentally find. I ended up finding a string of emails between Wusband and #1, a married woman he claimed was his former secretary's daughter. These emails were very flirtatious and romantic in nature. Wusband wrote that he was thinking about her, missing her, and looking forward to seeing her. In their emails, they made plans to have lunch together and to meet late at night at a park. I had never heard of this woman and certainly didn't know my serious boyfriend (at the time) was socializing with other women in this way.
Upon confrontation, Wusband insisted that they were just friends. He admitted that he could see how it looked bad out of context from my perspective. He repeatedly told me nothing had happened with her and apologized for communicating with another woman in a way that I found inappropriate but stated he didn't find it inappropriate himself. I didn't know whether or not I should believe him.
Needless to say, I was devestated. I lived in a black hole of despair for weeks. I cried constantly. I couldn't focus on anything. I fantasized about driving my car into the guard rail on the highway. I alternated between desparately clinging to Wusband and pushing him away. I felt betrayed and confused.
In the end, I decided to believe him. He appeared to be this amazing guy who had so many wonderful qualities. He had just moved in. We had just successfully brought all the kids under one roof. I had just gotten promoted, and my new job required frequent travel. He offered to watch my son while I was out of town. He was kind and generous. He was supportive of my career. He made me feel like a princess. No one had ever treated me as well as he did. Before I discovered those emails, everything was perfect. I didn't want to throw all of that away for what basically boiled down to flirtatious emails that looked really bad when there was no evidence of anything physical between them. After all, these emails never referenced hotels or sex.
Why did I stay after discovering Other Woman #1? Because I wasn't sure what the truth was, and I was afraid to miss out on something great over the fear of a possibility of infidelity with no real proof.
I look back on this now, knowing the truth, and there is no doubt in mind that Wusband lied about everything. I now believe this was a full-blown affair. I don't believe it was his first; it was just the first one I caught. I have never found evidence of an affair before this. But now that I know who he is, I believe he cheated on me throughout our entire six-year relationship, except for when he was in between other women.
If I could go back in time and talk to myself at this point in my life, this is what I would say to the devestated woman who was clinging to the man she so dearly loved:
You don't know what really happened. You never will. You will never know the truth, and you will never be at peace with that. This will haunt you for the rest of your relationship. Did he cheat on you with her? I don't know. I still don't have any other proof. But that doesn't really matter. What matters is this: He made you feel terrible about yourself. He made you question your worth. Even if he didn't cheat, he hid a relationship with another woman from you and felt that he had to meet up with her late at night behind your back. That in itself is betrayal. It doesn't matter that you never sat down and defined what betrayal means to you. He knew that you would be hurt if you discovered this, and that didn't stop him. He cares more about having this relationship with this woman, whatever that relationship is, more than he cares about your feelings.
Leave him now before you give him another chance to hurt you. Leave him now while you still own your house, and your break-up is as simple as him moving his stuff back out. Leave him now while your son is young enough that he won't carry the weight of grief with him after losing a step-father figure and two boys he loves like brothers. Leave him now.
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