Marriage, noun: 1. The legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship. 2. A combination or mixture of elements. - Lexico, powered by Oxford
Marry, verb: 1. Take (someone) as one's wife or husband in marriage. 2. Join together; combine harmoniously. - Lexico, powered by Oxford
It's been two months - exactly - since I discovered my husband's fourth affair and one month - plus two days - since he moved out. I don't think anyone is prepared to open their spouse's Facebook Messenger and read messages to a coworker that say things like, "I love you," "I don't want to be with my wife," and "Here are all the things I want to do your body." (Use your imagination.) But this was my reality two months ago.
But to get the whole picture, we need to go back a bit farther. Three months ago: Summer was just about to end. Wusband and I were planning three weekends of parties: my son's birthday (two parties for him, one with family and one with friends, lucky kid), a barbecue for Wusband's work, and a family picnic for Labor Day. We were also planning a family vacation over Christmas break (gotta use up those vacation days before the end of the year!), saving up for a giant backyard rennovation (complete with a swimming pool for me and a third garage for him), and talking about adopting or fostering a child. Wusband regularly told me he loved me and what an awesome wife I was (and I really was, damnit!), kissed me goodbye every morning, and made love to me about two-three times a week. Life seemed perfect, if not a bit chaotic.
My life was like an older home that had been taken care of very well. The siding was fading a bit, but the paint wasn't peeling yet. The flower beds had been there for decades but were well-tended and weed-free. Even the original flooring had been sanded down, restained, and varnished to a glossy new surface. Sure, my 30-something-year-old body wasn't shiny and new; maybe I had gained a little weight, maybe I had a few gray strands in my dark hair, and maybe I was starting to get crinkles at the corner of my eyes. But I had started a new diet, dyed my hair when I had time, and promised myself to use moisturizer daily.
The real beauty of remaining in an old, beloved home is that the building is full of memories. Every time you enter a different room, you are reminded of your favorite experiences there: baking cookies with your mom in the kitchen, dancing on your dad's feet in the living room, eating pizza in the dining room after realizing the meal you spent hours preparing smelled like stinky feet and tasted like burnt cockroaches, watching your child's eyes light up after opening an eagerly anticipated present on Christmas morning in the family room, and falling asleep in your spouse's arm every night in the master bedroom. Like that old house, my life, too, was full of amazing memories. Wusband and I had been together six years, lived together for four, and married for two. We were well out of the honeymoon phase, and our marriage needed repainted walls or refinished floors every once in a while, but we were happy and had years of memories to prove it.
There are probably thousands or even tens or hundreds of thousands of quotes on marriage out there. Here are some of my favorites:
"Happiness is only real when shared." - Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild
"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. Seuss
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." - Lao Tze
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." - Andre Marois
"The highest happiness on earth is marriage." - Wiliam Lyon Phelps
"Marriage is like an endless sleepover with your favorite weirdo." - Unknown
These quotes explain how marriage felt to me. I thought I was in a partnership in which we truly saw each other as equals. We helped each other, supported one another, pitched in to fulfill the other's typical duties when necessary. I thought I was spending eternity with my best friend. We made each other laugh, we genuinely enjoyed each other's company, and we shared everything with each other. I thought I had found that one person I could depend on. We had promised to be there for each other forever, no matter the circumstance. (Isn't that what the "for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health" portion of the marriage vows are promising?) We had a long history of overcoming obstacles together. No matter what life threw at us, I knew we could get through it because we had each other. Marriage to Wusband was the best experience of my life. I was happy. I was safe. I was loved.
This is what marriage meant to me. But, as I learned, this isn't at all what marriage meant to him.
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