Moving on from infedility and emotional abuse that led to abandonment and divorce is a difficult task. It can be hard to see the good amidst all the bad. It's easy to look back on your marriage and only remember the good times. It's easy to focus on all the things you'll miss. When we are trapped in heartache, it's easy to find ourselves stuck in the world's longest and crappiest pity party, the one we throw for ourselves.
Now that I'm several months out from D-Day and from the decision to divorce, I have left that pity party behind. I have reflected on my marriage and acknowledged some bitter truths. I finally arrived at a place where I not only know that I am better off without him, but I also can feel gratitude for the freedom his abandonment has provided. As I continue to heal, the list of things I am thankful for gets longer and longer.
I am thankful that I no longer have to face the consequences of his poor ability to handle money. Wusband was horrible with money. He has a career in which the average salary in our state is in the six figures. Yet, somehow, he didn't always have enough money to pay his portion of the bills. He didn't have anything saved for a rainy day (let alone an actual emergency). He couldn't come up with any cash towards the down payment on our house. And his credit score is lower than that of anyone else I know (as in, he couldn't even be a cosigner on our mortgage). What did all this mean for me? All the debt was in my name. All the utilities, too. If he was short on his portion of the bills, I had to make up the difference. If there was an extra purchase we wanted to make (or an emergency repair that was needed on a car or the house), I couldn't count on him to pay for it. We both worked full time (and at the end made almost the same salary), yet I was the real breadwinner.
I am thankful that I am no longer anyone's maid. I would not have minded being responsible for more than my fair share of the expenses if I wasn't also responsible for more than my fair share of the housework. Yet, although we both worked full time and I had to make sure our finances were taken care of, I was the one who also took care of all almost all housework duties. I was always the only one who dusted, vacuumed, mopped, went grocery shopping, weeded the flower beds, and cleaned the bathrooms. I was usually the one who cooked, did laundry, or did the dishes. I found myself doing everything a stay-at-home would do while also doing everything a working mom does. It got to the point where I would cook dinner, and after we ate, Wusband would actually sit at the kitchen table playing on his phone (or texting the paramour of the moment, more likely) while I did the dishes. He just watched me without offering to help. Now that he's gone, I still have to do all the housework, but I have less people to clean up after.
I am thankful that I can call all the shots. There is a certain freedom to being able to make all the decisions without having to consider anyone else's comfort, wants, or opinions. Now, let's be clear: Wusband never made a single important decision on his own, nor did he offer much assistance when a decision called for his input. I have been used to being the responsible decision-maker for quite a while. However, now there's no one to complain to me if the end result doesn't align with the desired outcome. It used to drive me crazy when Wusband would refuse to participate in making a decision and then whine about what I decided. Now, though, I get to make decisions based on what I want, and only I have to worry about the results. I have to admit that I am enjoying this divorce silver lining quite a bit.
I am thankful that my emotions and decisions are truly my own. Wusband's manipulation and abuse was so complete that I have looked back over our entire relationship and wondered how much what I thought, felt, and did was actually of my own desires, tendencies, and mindset. In the beginning, the love bombing was so well done that I now wonder if I would've fallen in love with him as quickly and deeply (or even at all) if it had been a natural progression. Without all the abuse, would I have made the same decisions? Changed my life in the same ways? Had the thoughts and feelings I did? I guess there's no way to know for sure, but I think the answer to all these questions is no. Would I have ever reached a place where I excused his infidelities? Absolutely not. Would I have naturally become a woman who once dumped a man for cheating on her and then took him back because she missed him too much? Again, no. It's scary to look back on the past six years of my life and honestly not know who I was or if anything I did was really of my own accord. But at least now I know that no one but me has control of my thoughts, feelings, or actions moving forward.
I am thankful that I no longer have to live with the insecurity of being married to a serial cheater. There is something awful about suspecting your spouse is cheating on you. You live as a detective, spending all your time and energy trying to solve the mystery of Who is he sleeping with now? You never feel good about yourself, you question your value, and you allow yourself to believe that he would be faithful if only... If only you were younger, if only you were thinner, if only you were more adventurous in bed, etc. I never want to feel that insecure about myself again. And I won't let anyone make me feel that way again, either.
I am thankful that I have time for myself. One of Wusband's favorite manipulation games was to make me feel guilty for wanting to do anything that didn't involve him. I want to go out with my girlfriends? Sit alone in a room and read a book? Learn how to sew a quilt? Well, that wasn't allowed. He wouldn't come right out and tell me no (he was much too conniving for that), but he would make feel so guilty that I was leaving him with nothing to do that I would hand over all my free time to him. Don't get me wrong: I wanted to spend time with him. And most nights I was perfectly happy to do so. But every healthy relationship demands time apart so both people can focus on themselves. I lost that with Wusband, and I'm glad to have it back.
I am thankful for the wisdom I have learned. I know what emotional abuse looks like now. I know what the red flags are. I know that I was worthy of so much more than he gave me, and I will never settle for less than I deserve again. I will take all this knowledge into my next relationship and will end up far happier than I ever was with Wusband. I also know my own self-worth now, and I am learning about self-love. I would not feel so confident, independent, capable, and proud if I hadn't experienced Wusband's infidelity, abuse, and abandonment. Let me clear that I am not saying that I owe this wisdom to him. I am responsible for my own survival and healing. His behavior was simply the catalyst to this amazing change in myself.
I am thankful that I will experience the joy of motherhood again. Being pregnant alone has been tough. And I know there will be moments when I am raising this child alone, specifically in the beginning, when I will feel exhausted and defeated and will wish for another parent to help me. But I also know that it will all be worth it. Motherhood is amazing. I already have so much love and joy in my life from my nine-year-old. I can't even imagine what it will be like when all of that is doubled. I am so excited to experience all those wonderful firsts with a new baby again.
I am thankful I won't have to support him during his downfall. A few things have happened recently that lead me to believe Karma is on her way, and she is about to serve Wusband with one hell of a punch. We're talking total knock out on the first hit. Annd every time something new happens, all I can think is, Thank God we're not still married. Thank God I won't have to deal with the fallout of that disaster. Instead, I will get to watch the downfall from afar. I will experience the peace of knowing that my life is working out just fine while his is spiraling downward. And even though I try to be a better person, I think I will really enjoy that.
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