In my journey to heal from infidelity, emotional abuse, abandonment, and divorce, I have found ways to stay positive and keep going. This journey is almost always an uphill climb, and some days the slope is easier than others. There's even an occassional valley tucked in between the mountains, and I feel like I get some much-needed breaks from this emotional challenge. However, since the world has come to an almost complete stop and we've all been orderd to stay at home to prevent the spread of COVID-19, I feel like the slope has been steeper and the uphill climb more difficult than normal.
The problem here is the isolation. Yes, I have family members, friends, coworkers, and a therapist to talk to. I have a child at home, whom I am extremely grateful for. He brings me joy, makes me laugh, and unknowingly and unintentionally helps me keep things in perspective. I'm not completely alone.
But do you know what I don't have? I don't have a partner, a significant other, a spouse. There isn't someone who wakes up next next to me and asks me what I have planned for the day. There isn't someone sitting at the dining table working from home with me, or coming home from work to me at the end of the day. There isn't any hugging, kissing, hand-holding, cuddling, or physical intimacy of any kind. There isn't anyone who asks about my day or listens to me babble on about work.
I also don't have anyone here to physically support me during this pregnancy. There's no one placing his hand on my belly in the hopes of feeling the baby move. There's no one helping me decorate the nursery. There's no one rubbing my sore back at the end of the day, helping me up when the couch swallows my elephantine pregnant body, or talking through finances with me as I prepare for an unpaid maternity leave.
Instead, here's what I do have: memories. This isolation has caused me to relapse a bit in my healing. Since there isn't anywhere to go and not as much to do, I find myself struggling to control my mind's wandering. And lately, the only place my mind wants to go is down memory lane. Every single memory from the past six years of my life have been with Wusband and our kids. I can't prepare for this baby without being reminded of all the conversations we had about expanding our family during the year and a half we tried to conceive. I can't plan for the summer without remembering all the travelling we did, both as a family and as a couple. I can't contemplate holidays without being flooded with memories of those same holidays in years past, which of course we spent together. Sometimes I can't even walk through this house without seeing and hearing the ghosts of my step-children.
Bottom line: I'm single and pregnant during this isolation. And I haven't felt this lonely since Wusband first moved out.
Let's get one thing clear: I do not want Wusband back. There is not a situation in this world that would make me let him back in my life in any way. But you know what I do want? I want the marriage he promised me. I want the man he pretended to be. I want the companionship, support, and security that is supposed to come with marriage. The life I thought I had was suddenly and unceremoniously ripped out of my clinging fingers. I know now it was all a facade. I know I wasn't really living the life I thought I was. I know I was manipulated into accepting dispicable behavior and believing downright lies. I don't want any of that back. But it would be nice to not be alone.
I also know that I'm not the only person feeling this way right now. I suspect many of you are in this same place, stuck in isolation and wishing your life looked a little bit - or maybe a lot - different right now. I also know that I am lucky that I escaped my abuser before COVID-19 happened. I read some of your stories on Facebook and see the abuse you are being subjected to while you are trapped in your homes with your abusers. My heart reaches out to you, and I hope you find the strength and opportunity to escape, too.
keep telling myself this isn't permanent. The restrictions will lift. The virus will play itself out. And pretty soon I will have a bundle of joy to fill my heart and bring new meaning into mine and my son's lives. I also know there will be days when I will look back at all of this and wish I could have just 10 minutes to myself. So I know this relapse is temporary and probably caused by a combination of isolation and third trimester hormones. I know the slope will ease up soon. But today, my legs are tired of carrying me uphill.
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