Yesterday, I was messaging with a reader who, like most of us, has lost her husband to infidelity. We were discussing how hard it is to let go of the wayward spouse. I gave her some advice and now want to share it with all of you. The post below is my message to her, posted here with her permission and maintaining her anonymity, but revised for context.
I, too, have had those dreams in which he comes crawling back and we get back together. I, too, have had those moments when I wanted him back. I, too, have felt like I must be worthless if he chose the other woman over me. But then I realized a few important truths that at least made me feel less crazy, not healed or happy or content with the situation, not full of understanding or even closure. But at least I felt like I am better off without him, even though this hurts.
Here are the truths I learned:
(1) He was a serial cheater and it wouldn’t have mattered how good or bad or beautiful or ugly I was. He was always going to cheat. (2) He chose Other Woman #4 over me, but he still would’ve cheated with someone else even if he hadn’t met her. And he will cheat on her, too. (3) He lied and manipulated me so much that I didn’t even know what was true or real. At least I know those things now. (4) Any man who would abandon his pregnant wife and then ignore both her and his unborn child’s existence isn’t worth even a second of my time or energy. (5) Even though my life is very different without him, not all for the best, either, I have a lot more peace now. I don’t have to live as a detective and I don’t have the constant worry that he’s cheating on me.
I don’t know your entire story. Maybe your ex really was a good husband until he suddenly disappeared from your life. Maybe the other woman seems perfect and you feel like you could never compete with her. But the reality is that if he left you for another woman, he wasn't a good husband. And what she’s like doesn’t matter at all. It doesn’t matter how young, pretty, talented, anything she is. Because his cheating isn’t about her and it isn’t about you. It’s about him. I don’t know him, I don’t know anything about him, but if he cheated and then left his wife, he’s selfish and cowardly. And you deserve someone who puts you first and who fights to stay in your life. We all deserve that. So you ultimately deserve better.
That’s what you should take away from this. That you are too good for him and he knew that. That’s part of why he left. You are more than he ever deserved. He didn’t replace you with the other woman because you are irreplaceable. He might be with her and not you, but you have not been replaced. He chose someone who he believed he was worthy of, not who he thought was worthy of him.
It’s normal to miss him, and it’s normal to want him back. But even if he wanted to come back, what would that be like? You’d constantly be afraid he’d leave you again. You’d be worried he was cheating again. You’d never trust him. I lived like that for three years when I took Wusband back after his second affair. No one should live like that.
This whole recovery thing isn’t easy. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever experienced. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy (well, maybe on Wusband or #4). But I truly believe that at some point in the future, I will look back on this and be proud of myself for having the strength to survive this, I will be satisfied with the new life I’ve built, and I will be grateful for the lessons I learned through this. Find that hope for the future and cling to it. Let it be the thing that gets you through this.
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