This post was written by a reader who wishes to remain anonymous. It is her story of surviving her husband's infideltiy and the consequential divorce. The reader stated, "I would love to share this with so many people so that it can help anyone going through this... I want to reach out to many more people, without making it seem like I'm trying to out my husband."
Many times we are in a dark place or going through something that consumes us and we feel that no one will understand.
2019 presented a few challenges that were absolutely heartbreaking and eye opening.
I'll get straight to the point.
People have been asking me about my husband, how is he , how are we...
So here goes.
My husband and I are not longer in a marriage, we have come to a place where we've been stripped bare and the ugliness is too much for either of us to handle.
For the few years that we have been married and even before, we struggled with issues. We worked hard with what we knew to try to resolve things.
I can say that my part has been:
1. I've been manipulative, by that I mean I did and said things to get a desired result without saying what the real thing was or just asking for what i needed.
2. I would rage when I felt that he was not being the man I wanted him to be, instead of accepting him with (all of him) flaws and all.
3. I would frequently talk about divorce when I felt that we had no hope of resolving the issue at hand.
4. I did not listen to what he needed, most of which in hindsight were simple enough.
..... And the list can go on.
I come from a place of low self esteem , mostly due to a toxic relationship with my mother. When I married my husband I (unfairly) expected that he would come in and just sweep me up in his arms and protect me and take care of me (although I saw evidence to the contrary). Surely he would see that I was a lovely person and would remove any doubts I had about that.
Sadly, these are some the things that my husband said he saw in me:
1. I am a Narcissist and I am incapable of growth or change.
2. I am a toxic mother and my children need to be protected from me.
3. I was not supportive and was not good for his business.
4. I was fooling everyone around me with my pretensive nature and that he could see me for who I really am.
5. My trauma is bigger than his and we are just in different places in our life.
.... And the list can go on.
Needless to say this girl with self esteem issues had a hard time dealing with this, because surely he knows what he's talking abut. he;s helping so many other people with their issues but his "wife" could not measure up. I continued to feel worthless, I questioned myself so many times.. Am I a bad mother? Am I a fake person trying to mask my ugliness?
What is wrong with me? Why can't he just love me?
This went on for the duration of our marriage, Until I started taking stock of my self, I started to give myself some of the things I wanted from him, namely words of affirmation. I was doing a good job at mothering my girls, I was a fit and decent woman, I was loyal , kind and loving. Slowly but surely I was mostly out of the funk that I allowed my self to believe for too long.
Then... the greatest shock of all (2019-- yuh mudda)
My beautiful husband had been spotted with a young lady. Who!! No way ... maybe he's with a group of people!! then the picture came.
Ok.. so.. Who is she? She's my client (name called) and she was having a bad day and we decided to do the coaching on the beach. Of course angry me raged and cursed, not wanting to believe what I knew.
Then the moment came when I walked in on what was evidence there could be no doubt
it was full blown infidelity.
I fell apart.
He said there is an attraction to her because we bonded on the similarities between you and her ex husband,you are both narcissists.
I sobbed and sobbed, I raged and I raged. I had countless sleepless nights I had conversations with the lovely radiologist who told me that she was once in my shoes and she would consider ending the relationship and that I should get help for my problems.
The months that ensued were filled with excruciating pain for me (only compared to the loss of my grandmother).
I lost myself, I completely neglected my beautiful business, I lost many pounds. (I was probably invisible.)
I felt abandoned, lonely ,worthless and out of place.
Luckily for me I have an amazing support system. my family rallied around me and my best friend was my rock..They all played a major role in bringing me back to life.
However, the most important factor in my survival and my healing was the will to make my pain something that would benefit me. I was blessed with many tools in my arsenal. It has been a daily, sometimes 10 times daily deliberate effort to rise above the turmoil and honor myself. I understand who I am so much more. I was able to confront myself and admit my character defects to myself and to God.. However I also could appreciate my positive qualities.
I put away all the notions and questions I had about my husband’s paramour because she too had to be in great pain to sleep with her married life coach. I grew compassion for her.
I put away the desire to fight for a man who clearly was out of the relationship, who clearly stated that he had no desire to work on the marriage and had moved on ,I know that his reasons are valid to him and accepting that also brought more peace to my journey.
The reasons for sharing such intimate details are:
1. I want to release the shame of the infidelity the shame of being abandoned and replaced. For me and for anyone else going though a similar experience. This is a big part of my healing process.
2. I want to let people know that as impossible as things seem, once you have faith and you are willing to do what it takes, you can rise above the most difficult of situations.
3. Everyone needs to know that no one's opinion of you (no matter how much you love that person) is law and should not define you. (In my case it was my mother and my husband.)
4. You are more powerful than you know.
5. The way to freedom starts with you.
I will continue to love my husband, God knows I tried to hate him and hope that anyone reading this would not harshly judge him or myself. You may see pictures of people and it looks like they have it all together but you know what... We Don't !
We are all struggling!
The final chapter has not been revealed, I know without a shadow of a doubt that what ever happens it will be for both our benefit. God is looking out for us both.
Life is full of beautiful blessings, even when shit does not go your way.
I still have frequent struggles,flashbacks and moments of sadness, but they no longer consume me.
I trust God's plan.
Blessings to everyone.
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