I haven't been posting as much recently, nor have I been as active on my Facebook page. It's time to share why.
Despite my attempts at anonymity, I recently learned that Wusband has found my Facebook page and this blog. I've been struggling with how to handle this. It's not that I care that he knows what I think of him. Obviously, choosing to write a public blog and share it via a public social media profile means that I understand that literally anyone can read my posts. I chose to share my thoughts with the world. I also knew that there was a risk that Wusband might stumble across this site someday. And depsite my series of posts that begin with, "Dear husband," those posts were never intended for him.
I created this blog to serve two purposes in my life. The first was just to get all these emotions and thoughts, all this negativity with which I've been struggling since my disgusting excuse for a human being husband left me, all this shit, out of my head and my heart. And this blog serves as that vehicle. When I write, I feel like the negativity, the disgust, the hatred, the sadness - all of it - is released from me. Writing this blog gives me a method to process my experience in a way that helps me understand the reality of my situation and the truth of my experience. Simply put, this blog brings me a sense of safety and peace. And as I release these negative emotions, I replace them with more posititve ones, with contentment, acceptance, and sometimes even joy.
The second reason I started this blog was in the hopes of connecting with other people who have been impacted by infidelity, divorce, abandonment, or emotional abuse. And I am so glad to say that you, friends, have definitely made this hope of mine a reality. I am consistently amazed and pleased that through this blog and my Facebook page, I have discovered a group of people who offer their support and in turn accept mine. I know that every reader (except Wusband) who discovers this blog and takes the time to read it has been in a situation similar to my own. This knowledge saddens me. As of today, approximately 3,500 different people visit this little blog of mine each month. While as a writer, I am pleased that my work is finding its way into your hands (or onto your computer or smart phone screens), as a woman, I am heartbroken that so many of you are stuck in the same place I am.
I am a member of several Facebook support groups for people who have been abused or cheated on, are getting divorved, or have been abandonded by their spouses. The average number of members in these groups is about 11,800; the largest group has over 23,000 people. These numbers are staggering to me. I don't like to think that we live in a world where this many people have been treated unfairly by the one person in their lives who promised to love and cherish them until death do they part. I have found amazing support in these groups. Every post I make, every question I ask, every frustrated moment of venting that I succumb to, have all been met with advice, well wishes, and empathy from the other group members. And for this, I am truly grateful.
In addition to discovering my blog and Facebook profile, Wusband has also been in these groups. Now, while I'd like to warn the group administrators that there is an imposter in our midst, there is no way for me to know exactly which of the group members is the imposter. After all, I joined these groups using a pseudonym, so it reasonable that Wusband, Other Woman #4, or anyone else he knows has done the same. In light of this knowledge, I've been unsure as to what or how much to share in these groups. There was a certain safety in the anonymity I believed I had. However, I feel that because I have been offered so much support in these groups, it would be unfair of me to withhold my support for others simply because I know an unintended audience is listening in.
After much thought about what I've gained from both this blog and my social media interactions and what I'm risking in continuing to participate in such behavior, I have come to the following conclusion: I will not be silenced.
I spent six years with a man who manipulated, controlled, cheated, gaslighted, and otherwise emotionally abused me. His choice to leave me and pursue his future with Other Woman #4 is the best gift he ever could have given to me, my son, and my unborn child. Every day is like a breath of fresh air, as I am no longer subject to his control. I am no longer a pawn in his game. And I refuse to allow myself to be controlled by him in any way, ever again.
This blog and my social media interactions are probably some of the most therapeutic things I have done for myself since he left. And I'm not giving that up just because I know he's reading. I am taking a stand for myself, and I am going to continue to do what I need to do to heal.
So, Wusband, if you're reading, know this: You do not own me anymore. You hold no power over me. You cannot silence me.
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