From Suicide to Survival: A Thousand Steps in My Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse

In a recent conversation with a friend who has survived a relationship very similar to my former marriage, the topic of suicide came up. I had never shared this part of my story with anyone before, and since that conversation, it's been weighing on my mind.

I discovered Affair #1 shortly after X and I moved in together. (Side note: I had previously nicknamed my narcissistic ex-husband Wusband. However, I am so far removed from that marriage now that I don't think of him as anything husband-related. That nickname no longer applies. I briefly thought about referring to him as Hitler, but he doesn't even deserve that much thought. From now on he will be X, which is the perfect moniker, as he is as insignificant as an unnamed variable in a math equation.)

Anyway, X and I had just moved in together after dating for two years. One day, his kids (aged 9 and 12 at the time) were playing on his iPad and brought the device to me because they had found a picture of a naked woman on it. I confiscated the iPad and searched through it to make sure there was nothing else inappropriate for the boys to see. At least, that's what I told myself I was doing. But that picture of a naked woman set off alarm bells inside my head, and somewhere deep down in my gut, I knew something was amiss. Sure enough, it didn't take me long to discover a string of emails between X and Other Woman #1. In these emails, he professed his adoration for her, told her he missed her and couldn't stop thinking about her, and made plans to meet with her in parks and parking lots late at night.

Prior to this moment, I thought X was perfect. A skilled narcissist, he had absolutely fooled me into believing he was Mr. Right. The love bombing phase in our relationship was long and executed so perfectly that I honestly believed we were that one ridiculously happy couple that only comes along in Hallmark movies. No one had ever made me feel so valued, so treasured, so cherished. This amazing man loved me and we had finally taken the next step to what was sure to be our happily ever after.

My world came crashing down on me the day I found those emails. I remember the feeling of my heart racing in my chest as I read through these flirty and romantic written exchanges. I locked myself in our bedroom and bawled. I called my mom in a panic. I arranged for his kids to go back to their mother's house because I couldn't hide my distress, and I didn't want them to witness me falling apart.

The next several weeks were hell. X denied everything. In the identical manner of every narcissist who has ever plagued the face of this earth, he gaslighted me and found "evidence" that the affair had never happened. He punished me for discovering the affair and used my knowledge to stab at all my insecurities, even ones I didn't realize I even had. This was the first time I remember him genuinely making me feel dismissed, unloved, and unwanted. I had no idea what to believe or what to do.

I fell into a deep depression, the worst one of my life. I would fall to my knees in the shower and cry. The water would turn cold before I could pick myself up off the shower floor. I cried myself to sleep. I had a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. I fell to pieces the minute anything went slightly awry. A coworker even caught me crying in my cubicle one day.

During this time in my life, I was travelling weekly for work. One day, I was driving home, facing a five-hour stretch of time alone in my car, and everything felt hopeless. I didn't want to go home to this man I couldn't trust. I felt so low, so horrible about the situation and myself, that I didn't know how I could face the next day, the next hour, the next minute. I looked at the roads in front of me, both the literal road I was driving down and the metaphorical road of my life, and they both seemed endless and pointless. I seriously considered pushing my foot down on the accelerator and driving my car into the guardrail. I honestly don't know what prevented me from doing this, other than the fear that I wouldn't actually die and would only cause myself more pain.

Eventually, as is always the case in narcissistic relationships, I believed X's lies. After weeks of being mistreated, the abuse cycle restarted, and a new phase of love bombing began. I gradually became less depressed and eventually was able to trick myself into believing we were happy. But our relationship was never quite the same. I never trusted him again. And from that day on, I lived as a detective, constantly checking his emails, phone records, text messages, Google Maps history, whatever I could get my hands on, to see if he had resumed that affair or started another one.

After some time had passed, I eventually told X about my suicidal thoughts. At the time, I thought this would shame him. I thought he would understand how deeply he had hurt me, and it would prevent him from ever doing it again. Of course, I didn't know what he was then. I didn't know that I was giving him the perfect ammunition to use against me. I didn't know that I had revealed to him just how far he could push me and just how deeply he could hurt me.

When I learned about Affair #2, I couldn't understand how X could possibly cheat on me again. How could someone who loved me, who was building a life with me, know that he had hurt me so badly that I contemplated killing myself, and then do it again? How could he disregard my feelings and my needs like that?

Well, anyone who's survived a relationship with a narcissist knows the answer to this. Narcissists don't care. Narcissists don't love you. They only serve themselves, and if they can simultaneously boost their egos, secure a new supply, and find something to use against you in the abuse cycle to keep you firmly in place and addicted to them, then they've found the holy grail of all possible actions.

I wish I could tell you that I wised up after the second affair, that I realized he didn't really love me if he had cheated on me twice, and that I found the strength to leave him then. But that would be a lie. I wish I could tell you that I never again let him drive me to the point of suicidal thoughts, but that would be a lie, too. My life for the next four years was one giant roller coaster. The highs were amazing and were what made me stay with him. If you've been involved with a narcissist, then you know that when it's good, it's so damn good that you can't leave because all you want is for those good times to come back. But there were lows, too. And some of these lows were so bad that I felt like there was no point in living. He made me feel so awful about myself that I really thought he, I, and the rest of the world might be better off of if I was not a part of it.

But I can tell you that I never made a serious attempt at taking my own life. And I can tell you that I did finally wise up and see him for what he is. I did leave. I survived. And I am grateful every day that I am alive.

So why am I telling you all this? Why am I sharing this part of my story now, so long after the fact, and when I am no longer saddened by my experience? There are two reasons.

Number 1: If you are reading this and any of this sounds eerily familiar to you, if you are searching for answers and you think you might be with a narcissist but just aren't quite sure, please stop what you are doing right now, find a counselor who understands Cluster B personality disorders, and do whatever it takes to get out of the relationship that makes you feel this way. A healthy relationship will never cause you to question the value of your own life.

Number 2: I survived. I survived. I SURVIVED. If you have successfully gotten out of your abusive relationship, then you know what this means, you know how big this is. Getting out, surviving, is something worth celebrating every goddamned day. No matter what happens to me from this point forward, no matter how hard things get, I know I can handle them because I already survived the most cruel mistreatment of one human being from another. And I will never let anyone devalue me like that again. I will never place my sense of self-worth in another person's hands. I will always love myself, first and foremost. I will always know how strong, how resilient I am. Because I survived.