I have been pretty silent for a while. I wanted to take some time to explain why.
Some of you know that Elle Cook is a pseudonym. When I was fresh out of my marriage, reeling from the loss of a spouse, alone and pregnant, I desperately needed an outlet. And that is what this blog became. However, I wanted to maintain my anonymity, so I've been writing under a fake name.
You see, I needed to express my emotions and share my story. This expression helped me heal in more ways than I could have ever imagined. I was hurting, scared, and stepping out of the fog of abuse. I had never felt so alone in my entire life. I needed to find soul sisters, readers who had been through similar experiences, who had taken the same steps I was taking. I needed to get all that anger and hate and negativity out of me. And so Elle Cook was born.
Through this blog and various Facebook groups, I accomplished something amazing. I shared my story. I found my soul sisters. I felt like there were people who truly understood and supported me. And then there were others who I could offer support to.
But Elle Cook means so much more to me than just connecting with others. By telling my story and connecting with my readers, I created this alter ego. Elle Cook is brave and strong and was able to speak the truth in ways that I, as my own true self, could not. Elle Cook was positive and fearless. I fell in love with this image of who I made Elle Cook to be.
And then something truly wonderful happened. I realized that Elle Cook was never an alter ego. She is me; I am her. I am strong, brave, and fearless. I became Elle Cook. And as soon as I realized that, I didn't need her anymore.
So I stopped writing. I stopped logging into Elle's Facebook. I stopped posting in support groups. I thought that by holding on to Elle Cook, that I was holding on to my past. I thought I needed to let her go to finish my journey. But I was wrong.
I have been involved in a local support group for victims of narcissistic abuse for over a year now. The experience in that group has been so helpful and enlightening that I am struggling to find the words to describe how grateful I am to the gentleman who founded it. He and the other group members have been a tremendous amount of support while I put my life back together. They helped me understand what happened to me and begin to build boundaries that will lead to healthier relationships moving forward. Speaking with group members who have successfully ended their journeys toward healing provided me with so much hope for a happier life. Just as I feel that this blog was integral to my healing, so was that group.
At a recent group meeting, I was reminded of the power of sharing and of connection. I had not attended a meeting in a while because I have healed. I no longer feel like I need that kind of support. But I joined a meeting and was reminded that now that I have healed, I am in a position to offer comfort and support to others who are in the same place I was last year. It is my turn to give back to the group that helped me so much.
And on the heels of that realization came another: I cannot abandon this blog. I have been so lucky to have found this outlet and connect with readers. I have heard your stories. We have exchanged emails and messages. You have lifted me up with your words of comfort and your desire to read my posts. In the light of my own healing, I left you all behind. And for that I am truly sorry.
Please know that I think of all of you every day. I wonder how you are doing and hope that you have found the light at the end of your very long tunnels.
I don't know what this blog will look like from here. I might share some more of my own story, more details of the abuse I was subjected to, or maybe some funny and ridiculous divorce anecdotes. Then again, I might focus on what my life looks like now, the happiness I've found within myself. I could write an entire comical series of posts on dating post abuse. Maybe I'll make you laugh.
Whatever I decide to do, my point is this: I'm here. I'm happy. I want to continue to offer you love and support and share parts of my life with you. Please reach out to me through Facebook or email (singlemomagain2019@gmail.com) if you need anything. You were not forgotten. And I am still here.
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