The Single Mama Struggle

Dear Baby,

At the start of each day, you wake me up much earlier than I ever intend to be awoken. With a foggy head still clinging to the wisps of dreams, I stumble into the kitchen to make your first bottle. I blink blearily as I turn on the lights. I stare longingly at the tea kettle, already craving a caffeine pick-me-up. I sigh and accept the realization that the day has begun. Sometimes I wish that there was another parent here to wake up with you so that I could sleep in for just one day.

But then I walk into your room. You immediately stop crying when you see me standing over your crib. You smile at me, and every wish for sleep disappears as I pick you up and feel your weight in my arms. You are so happy to see me, and I realize that this first smile of the day is always reserved for me, and only for me. It is my presence that calms you.

The morning is chaotic, yet I somehow manage to get all of us ready for the day. Sometimes you play quietly while I get myself and your brother ready. Sometimes you fuss because I cannot give you my undivided attention, and your demands almost make us all late. I'm sorry that I can't give you all the attention you need. Sometimes I'm barely able to get us all out the door with everything we need for the day.

I drop your brother off at school with a small sigh of relief. Then I hand you over to the nanny with a larger sigh. I feel opposing emotions when she takes you from me. Part of it is relief that someone else is here to feed you, change you, and play with you, at least for a little while. Part of it is guilt that I will be without you all day because I have to work.

At lunch time, I see you playing with the nanny. I have to force myself to ignore you or I will never go back to my office. I already miss you and am jealous that the nanny gets to spend this time with you.

Before I know it, the work day is over. Your brother is home from school. The nanny leaves. And it's just the three of us again. Evenings are even more chaotic than mornings. I make dinner. I help your brother with his homework. I feed you and play with you and give you all the love I can in these few short hours. I feel immense guilt that this is all the time I have for you. Sometimes I don't find time to eat my own dinner until after you go to bed.

Some nights, the time drags on. I count down the minutes until bath time. You are cranky and I am exhausted. I can't wait to put you to bed. On these nights, I wish there was someone else to take you for just five minutes so I can have just a few moments to myself.

Some nights, the enormity of my situation as a single mother is overwhelming. No one else is going to put a roof over our heads or food in our stomachs. No one else is going to take you to doctor appointments or buy you new clothes. I am raising you all alone, and sometimes, the enormity of this task brings tears to my eyes. I feel guilty that you have been cheated out of having a father, that I am literally all you've got, and some days I don't feel like I'm enough.

Other nights, the time flies by. We are having so much fun. I am so grateful that I have the privilege of watching you grow. I get to see what new skills you've learned. You recently discovered your feet and learned how to roll over. I see you trying to get your knees under you and realize you will be crawling soon. I love that you are ticklish now; your laugh is the best sound in the world.

Pretty soon, you are bathed and fed. I rock you and sing to you before putting you in your crib. Your head is on my shoulder, and you snuggle into my neck. These moments are made up of nothing but love. And no matter how hard the day was, I hold you a little longer, resistant to let you go until tomorrow.

Because no matter how good or bad the day was, no matter how overwhelmed I might be, the truth is that I love you with everything I am. I wouldn't change our situation at all. You are the ultimate gift, and I the luckiest woman in the world because I get to be your mama. You make it all worth it. And while I struggle to balance work and motherhood and doing this all by myself, being your mama isn't a struggle at all.