Here's my morning routine: Feed and let out the dog. Make a cup of tea. Turn on HGTV and catch up on email, news, and social media. Part of this involves Facebook, which, as you probalby know, provides you with a daily run-down of everything you've posted on this date in years past. I love looking back on pictures of my son when he was smaller, comments on friends' posts (or their comments on mine), and other memories with family members and friends over the years. It is kind of cool to look at something and think, "Wow, was that really five years ago?"
This morning, Facebook reminded me that six years ago today I was on a romantic getaway with Wusband. During our first two years together, he gifted me long weekend trips for my birthday, Christmas, and our anniversary. This particular trip was a gift from our first Christmas together. It was a trip he planned based solely on one specific thing I enjoy. He took me to the hometown of my favorite author so that I could explore all the places that had inspired this author's writings.
That long weekend was an amazing experience. I had a really great time during that trip. Wusband and I got to spend a lot of alone time together. (If you're a parent, then you know how valuable couple's time can be, not to much how relaxing and invigorating it is to get away from your kids for a few days.) We saw some beautiful sites and did some fun tourist activities. Next to the trip he had planned for my birthday the year before, this was the coolest and most grandiose thing anyone had ever done for me. I remember feeling like I was so special because he took the time and spent a lot of money on planning this trip just for me. At the time, I always felt like I was the luckiest woman in the world to be with someone that considerate.
We took one more trip that he planned the following winter, another Christmas gift, and then the gifts of vacations stopped. During this point in our relationship, I didn't really question this, as we were no longer just dating but had moved in together. We still travelled, but the trips were planned together, which was part of the fun. Over the next few years, I would miss the attention he put into courting me, but I assumed that had stopped simply because our relationship had matured and moved on to the next logical step: building a life together.
Here's the thing, though: I was wrong. The vacation gifts didn't stop because we moved in together and were now blending our families, meaning we were parenting, taking care of a house, and planning everyday life together. They stopped because Wusband had me exactly where he wanted me, and he no longer needed to court me. (Most other gifts and showers of affection stopped, too. No more surprise presents, no more love notes, no more bouquets of flowers.) He no longer needed to shower me with gifts or flattery of any kind. He didn't need to chase me, love bomb me, or seduce me any more. I was his, completely. He had moved me into the exact place in his game where he wanted me, and I naively had no inkling of the reality of our relationship.
I remember sitting in a therapy session shortly after Wusband left. I was struggling with the concept that the man who walked out of my life was so much the opposite of the man who had entered years ago. I couldn't understand how someone who had done all of these wonderful things for me and with me could suddenly have absolutely no regard for me in any way. I talked about this trip from six years ago, as well as the other trips Wusband had planned for me.
Our first trip together was two weeks after we started dating. It was my birthday, and Wusband surprised me with an overnight trip to a location that I had mentioned wanting to visit on our first or second date. He picked me up, gave me a birthday present, and whisked me away. He had planned every minute of that trip down to the tiniest detail. He packed an assortment of my favorite snacks and beverages for the ride, which he had known by paying attention to what I ordered in restaurants and talked about enjoying. He made a mix CD of my favorite songs, which had been a topic of an earlier lengthy conversation over text message. When we arrived at our destination, he checked us in to a hotel. Our room had chocolates, champagne, and a birthday cake waiting for me. The room was also a suite and Wusband had booked a second room so that I would be sure to be comfortable with the sleeping arrangements. I thought he was such a gentleman.
I spent that weekend in awe. I could not believe anyone was doing something so romantic and huge just for me. I kept asking him what it was about me that made him plan all this. I didn't understand how he could think I was so special and deserving of all this after only three dates. That weekend was one of the best of my entire life. It was absolutely perfect in every way. When Wusband dropped me off at home on Sunday evening, I remember watching him pull out of my driveway and drive down the street. I thought to myself, I'm going to marry that man some day. Two weeks in to that relationship, and I was already hooked.
Back to the therapy session. I described all of this to my therapist, using these memories as examples of my confusion about what was happening in my life. At this point, I knew Wusband was a serial cheater and suspected he was a narcissist, but I wasn't really sure I was right. I thought everything I was describing was evidence that I was wrong. After all, how could someone who did so much to shower me with love turn out to not love me at all? Or, at least, to love himself so much more?
I was floored by my therapist's response. This is a summary of what she said: Didn't you see all this as being over the top? Didn't you find it odd that someone you had just started dating went to these extremes to impress you? He was trying way too hard. Yes, it can be normal for a man to try to sweep you off your feet in the beginning of a relationship. Yes, big romantic gestures make us feel good and help us fall in love. But his actions were far too much to be normal. These were the first red flags you either didn't see or you ignored.
She's right, of course. Looking back on it now, I can see that it's not normal for a guy to take you on a weeknd getaway two weeks after you start dating. It's not normal for someone to try that hard to win you over. He was love-bombing me, but I didn't even know that was a thing. And, of course, his plan worked. As I said, two weeks in, and I was head over heels in love with him.
One of the hardest parts of recovering from the abusive relationship with a narcissist is realizing that everything you believed in was fake. Everything you thought was a given truth was a lie. And every experience you had was slyly and insidiously crafted to get you where they want you. It's like your relationship was a giant game of chess, and you didn't know you were just a pawn.
Looking back on my memories of our experiences together is difficult. Some of the happiest moments of my life, some of the most amazing things I've ever done, were with Wusband. I used to talk about these memories with pride, bragging a little about how wonderful he was and how lucky I was to be treated this way. (I now shake my head in self-pity and embarassment at my naivety.) But now when I look back, I see something totally different. I see that I was tricked. I was used. I was moved around the chess board at his whim. And this knowledge taints every memory I have.
So how do you get over this? How do you reclaim your memories so you are able to fondly look back on them? I don't want to forget the past six years of my life. There was a lot of good packed in there with all the crap, even if the motivations behind those good experiences weren't based on love and adoration like I thought they were. If you've reached the point of being able to accomplish this, of smiling at the good times, please let me know how you got there. And when I figure it out, I will be sure to share.
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