Every day, I live in fear.
Wusband's behavior since he left has not been very rational. There have been things he has said and done that have made me wonder about his current mental state. I have wondered if he has had some sort of mental break down or if he has always been unstable and I just didn't know it.
I fear that he will fight to be a part of our unborn child's life and that this child will be subjected to the same emotional abuse to which Wusband's children and I were subjected. I, at least, have escaped his abuse, but I can't say the same thing for his children.
I fear that in being a part of this child's life, he will also be a part of mine. There is a deep emotional and physical reaction to this. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be told that I have to interact with my abuser for the next 18 years. When I think of this and try to prepare myself for this possible reality, I end up shaking in fear. I cry. I feel sick. This would be a torture unlike anything I can imagine.
I fear that his actions will leave the land of emails and complaints to my attorney and progress to direct threats. I fear that he will show up at my house one day with nothing but poor intentions. I removed the batteries from the code box for the garage door opener. I changed the locks. I keep all of my doors and windows locked at all times. As soon as I walk in the door, I lock it behind me. I close all my curtains at night so no one can see inside the house. Every time I hear a car outside, or my dog barks at something, I look out the window to make sure it's not him pulling in my driveway.
I explained this to a therapist who specializes in Narcissistic Personality Disorder. We were discussing the effects of emotional abuse and whether or not we feel safe. Frankly, I was a bit embarassed to admit my fear because I was afraid I sounded irrational myself. I told this therapist that Wusband had never done anything to physically harm me, so maybe my fears were without cause.
This is a summary of the therapist's response:
He did physically harm you. Do you feel all the tension, angst, and fear inside you right now? That is physical harm.
I stared at her in shock because I had not thought about things this way at all. Fear is indeed physical. The therapist was right, of course, that Wusband's mistreatment of me, the years of emotional abuse, and his eventual abandonment during my pregnancy did have physical effects.
So I started to think about the physical impacts of emotional abuse. If you're like me, and you have suffered from emotional abuse, then you have probably considered yourself lucky that it never turned physical. But in reality, there is a physical aspect of emotional abuse. Maybe he never hit you, but can you honestly say that you haven't experienced any physical impact from the abuse?
Did you lose your appetite? I didn't eat for an entire week except small amounts at dinner because the kids were present. I remember I finally ate a Subway sandwich because I had taken my son to an amusement park and was worried I was going to pass out from malnutrition.
Did you lose weight? I lost 10 pounds during the three weeks between discovering the affair with the Other Woman #4 and deciding to divorce. (Additional note: I am week 30 weeks pregnant and only just now have gained those 10 pounds back.)
Did you partake in any unhealthy vices while you were suffering? I drank and smoked cigarettes to cope. While I was starving myself, losing weight, drinking, and smoking, I was also very early in a pregnancy. Once I discovered I was pregnant, I feared for the health of the fetus I was carrying in my womb and am so grateful that as far as medical science can tell, there was no negative impact on the baby. However, I am still about two months away from delivery, so there's really no way to be 100% sure of the health of the baby at this point.
Did you experience changes in your health? I ended up with the flu shortly after he left. Now, I realize that you can catch the flu at any time, but I also wonder at the timing of catching a virus while I was at my lowest point in terms of mental health. I'm sure it's possible that our mental state can cause a change in our immune system and make us more susceptible to disease.
Did you stop sleeping? I had insomnia for weeks. Sleep deprivation can cause a host of other physical problems, including suscpetibility to illness. Maybe this was a cause of my catching the flu.
I'm sure there are other examples of physical manifestations of emotional abuse. But here's the point: Abuse is never just emotional. Even if he didn't hit you, push you, or physically threaten you, you are still being physically abused because his actions have caused negative physical changes in your body. I have been away from my abuser for six months now, and I still feel the physical impacts daily. And I will continue to live in fear, at least until our divorce is final. But I worry that it will last longer than that.
If you are a regular reader, you have probably noticed that I try to end each of my posts with something positive. I must admit that I am struggling to do that with this post. So I will end with a hope for the future: I hope that time and a change of circumstance will help me, will help all of us victims, heal from both the emotional and physical effects of the abuse. I hope that six more months from now, when the divorce is over, when I have moved on completely, when I have a new baby to fill my life with joy, that I will finally be free. Free of the fear. Free of the negativity. Free of him.
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