I know I'm in the middle of posting my Top 10 Tips to Heal after Abandonment. Today's post should be about Tip 5: Be Social. But I realized something today, and I'm feeling more inspired to share this realization instead.
Tomorrow will be exactly one month since I last communicated with Wusband. The last communication we had was texting to arrange for me to bring his kids back to him after I took them out for an afternoon. (Side note: This is also the last time I saw my step-kids. But that's a much larger topic for an entirely different post.) Since then, there was a two-week period in which I still reached out to him about the pregnancy, finances, and property issues, but he never responded to any of my texts or emails.
So it's been about a month since I've heard from him and about two weeks since I've attempted to contact him. Remember that post about Tip 2: Go No Contact? Today's post is about all the benefits I've experienced since his lack of communication forced me into no contact. (For the record, I was trying to go no contract prior to this. My texts were only about the "business" of our separation, not about anything personal. I really wanted nothing to do with him at that point [or now] except for his money and for him to get his crap out of my garage.)
Benefit 1: The Lack of Manipulation
My first Tip on How to Heal after Abandonment was to take a long, hard look at your relationship through the lens of brutal honesty. If you're in an abusive relationship, this is certainly impossible until you are no longer under the influence of your abuser. This was true in my case. The longer I am away from Wusband, the more his influence wears off, and the more I am capable of seeing the truth. I didn't realize how narcissistic or manipulative he was until he was out of the house.
When I look back on the things I accepted, allowed, or ignored, I am flat out disgusted with myself. The woman he left was not the woman he started dating six years ago. The pre-Wusband me was confident, independent, and strong-willed to the point of being stubborn. I remember her, and I wonder where she went. Did she slowly fade away? Did she vanish into thin air? How did she evolve into this clingy, desperate, hopeless shadow of her former self? How much was she manipulated and brainwashed to become someone who knew her husband was cheating on her but who actually believed it was okay because he came home to her every night and woke up in her bed every morning? I look back and recognize pre-Wusband me. I don't at all recognize during-Wusband me.
But now that there is no contact, and there's no more manipulation, I am no longer that abused and pitiful woman whom he left. I haven't finished my transformation into post-Wusband me yet, but at least I am on to his games now. I know who he really is and what he's really capable of. The good news is that he can't say the same thing about me; he doesn't know this new me. I feel myself growing and changing every day. I feel myself becoming stronger and more aware. Frankly, it's a pretty marvelous feeling, which brings us to...
Benefit 2: Forced Independence
I have never been the type of woman who relies on anyone else to take care of her. In fact, when I was telling family and friends that Wusband had left, multiple people told me that I need to stop being so stubborn and accept their help. Several people chided me on my inability to ask for help. I've always been proud that I was able to financially make it on my own, raise my child and keep a roof over our heads, and be able to handle whatever life through at me without any help.
But losing a spouse, especially through infidelity and abandonment (and while you're pregnant) does not make you feel independent. The sheer weight of grief threatens to drown you. How are you supposed to deal with all the emotions and go to work, pay the bills, and take care of another human being? The first four or five weeks after D-Day were the most challenging weeks of my entire life. More challenging than recovering from a C-section and taking care of a newborn as a new mom. More challenging than finishing my master's degree while working full time. More challenging than adjusting to single parenthood after my first divorce. More challenging than burying beloved relatives.
I hadn't realized how much I had come to rely on Wusband. I relied on his income to pay for half of our bills. I relied on his masculine traits that included knowing what was wrong with the car, doing minor repairs around the house, and killing spiders. But mostly, I relied on his companionship every day. That was the hardest thing to give up.
But guess what? I survived it. I got out of bed every day. I worked. I somehow found the mental capacity to make sure my child did his homework, showered, brushed his teeth, and ate food three times a day. And you know what else? You will survive it, too. Life simply goes on, no matter how good or bad things are. (It's a bit annoying, really, that the world won't stop turning for even one day to give those trapped in grief a little break. We should all get a one-time pause button for situations like these.)
And while I had always been independent and knew I was going to be successfully independent again, I was taken aback by how dreadfully lonely I felt in those early weeks. And when I was reaching out to him, even just to discuss finances, his blatant refusal to acknowledge my existence was torturous. He had already stabbed me in the heart when he left; now he was twisting the knife. His lack of response brought fresh waves of loneliness. There were moments when I would have been satisfied with a huge knock-down screaming match just to feel connected to someone.
But as time passed and I was forced to realize that he simply wasn't going to respond, the loneliness ebbed. I found other people to connect with. I spent more time with my son. I also began reconnecting with myself, something I hadn't really done in years. And I got used to his absence. I still miss some aspects of our marriage, and I miss the reassurance that a spouse is there, but I don't really miss him anymore. Part of that is, I'm sure, caused by the fact that he seems to be a completely different person now, so there's nothing left of my husband to miss. But I think part of it is that I am adjusting to this life without him.
I guess, if I really think about it, I am grateful that he ignored me, that his inability to act like a responsible adult and communicate with me forced me to rediscover myself. So thank you, Wusband, for finally showing your true colors and helping me become a better version of myself. I don't know what life has in store for me, but I know it will be better than the sham of a marriage you gave me. And I don't yet know who the new me will be, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to like her.
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