In my last post, I listed my top 10 tips to heal from abandonment. These are all things I did (and am still doing) while trying to pick up the pieces of my own life after Wusband walked out on me. I am unsure if it was just one thing or the combination of a few of them (or all 10) that are helping me move past the abandonment, but I am sure that I wouldn't feel as positive as I do today if I hadn't engaged in these activities.
Today's post is about tip #2: No contact.
Anyone who has been dumped has probably wished that if she could continue to talk to the ex, if she could just explain her feelings, then the ex would either feel guilty or come running back. We've all typed out emotional text messages or emails. We've left lengthy messages on voice mail. We've spilled our hearts and souls to our exes in the hopes of finally making them understand how we feel. But we've also all probably regretted some of those late night phone calls, voice mails, and text messages.
No contact is highly recommended in infidelity support groups. And it means exactly what it sounds like: Have no contact with your wayward spouse, at least as much as possible. Some of you may have children with the cheater and may be in the unfortunate position of having to talk to him to arrange visitation. For some of you, the abandonment might be so recent that you are still trying to arrange for the separation of property and belongings. If you have to talk to him, then there's no way around that. But keep it transactional: focus on the arrangements you have to make, and leave your emotions out of it.
Why is no contact so important? Because you can't heal from the wrongs he did to you if you are still engaging with him every day. How are you supposed to move on and find yourself if you're still relying on your identify as his wife? If you were in a marriage like mine, one that included manipulation and emotional abuse, how are you supposed to heal from that when you're leaving the door open for him to continue to treat you that way?
Another reason no contact is important is because you are never going to get what you want out of reaching out to the wayward spouse. What are your motivations for talking/texting/emailing? Are you trying to make him feel guilty for leaving you? I'm sorry to be blunt here, but he does not feel guilty, and nothing you say is going to change that. If he were a decent enough human being to feel true remorse, he wouldn't have left you. Or cheated on you. Or done whatever other horrible things he did to you.
Are you hoping that if you can just get him to understand how you feel that he will come back? Again, not going to happen. If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. He wouldn't have moved in with his girlfriend/friend/parents/brother. He chose to leave you. He knew what he was doing when he did it, and he fully understood the consequences.
Are you in pain and want him to know how much he's hurt you? Newsflash: he doesn't care. He knew leaving you would hurt you. And he chose to do it anyway. He stopped caring about you the minute he began an affair, maybe even before that. And he certainly didn't care about you while he was packing his things and heading out the door.
I'm sorry I'm being a little harsh here. I've been where you are; I've been tempted to reach out to Wusband. I have typed out long text messages in which I've bared every emotion and thought. I've wanted to reach out to him for all of the reasons above. Thankfully, with the exception of one text, I found the common sense to stop myself from actually sending those texts. Because what would have happened if I had? There are only two options.
Option 1: He would have seen it as yet another reason to justify why he left. He would have seen me as a basket case, as an irrational, emotional wimp. He would have been glad he left when he did, as he clearly already thought he was better off without me. I don't need to give him even more evidence for that.
Option 2: He would have seen it as an invitation to continue to manipulate, abuse, and control me. It took me six years to figure out who he really is and get him out of my life. Do I really want to let him back in that easily? Absolutely not!
No contact saves your dignity. If you're like me, you already feel like he took everything from you. Don't let him take your dignity, too.
No contact does not only mean that you should avoid talking to, texting, or emailing him. It also means to stop engaging in any social media interaction you have, even if that interaction is one-sided (like stalking his social media accounts, or those of the other woman). Does it really make you feel better to see evidence that they are together, apparently enjoying this new life they've made for themselves? Does it make you feel better to see that she's spending time with your kids? Or that he took her to that restaurant or event you begged him to take you to for years? No! That just makes you feel worse. You already know they're together. Why do you need further proof? And haven't you had enough negativity in your life already? Do you really need to engage in anything that makes you feel worse?
Stop the insanity! Block them from all your social media accounts. Believe me, I know how tempting it is to keep looking, to watch their relationship unfold through Facebook or Instagram. I know how you can get addicted to seeing what they're up to. I know how challenging it is to restrain yourself from looking. But trust me, you will feel so much better once you stop. And the temptation to look will slowly fade.
I'm a member of several online infidelity support groups, and the most common thing I see posted there is how hard it is to go no contact. But the next most common thing I see is how much better it feels once you've achieved it.
These tips I'm suggesting aren't easy. But you aren't going through something easy. You have to put your life back together, and that is going to take a lot of hard work. So you are going to have to trust me on this one. The first few days of no contact will be hard. But after that, you will start to feel better with every day that passes. Don't believe me? Try it for one week. I bet you will be glad you gave it a go, and you will be ready to keep doing it for another week, and then another.
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