Hello, 2021! Damn, am I glad to see you. 2020 was awful to almost everyone in this world, but she treated me a little more cruelly than most people. 2020 was a year of big changes for me, in almost every aspect of my life. But amidst all of the chaos came a ton of self-growth and some very important lessons.
I am so much more than I ever knew.
This is the most important lesson I learned last year. At the beginning of 2020, I was pregnant and reeling from the end of a shitty marriage. I was just starting to step out of the fog and really see all the abuse I had been subjected to. I was picking up the pieces of a shattered life and trying to figure out what came next.
There is a certain beauty to being broken. It's impossible to see at the time, but after you've put yourself back together, you can see that it's there. The pieces never fit together exactly the same way because that kind of experience permanently changes you. Overcoming a life-shattering experience makes you a better person.
This past year, I was pushed to my limits. Another human being literally did everything in his power to try to break me, in every way you can break someone. But do you what I learned? I'm unbreakable. This year gave me the opportunity to learn just how much I can take. I learned how brave and strong I am, two words I never would have previously used to describe myself. I realized what a total badass I can be. And I now know that I am far too worthwhile to let anyone try to break me again.
I had to walk through hell and back to discover my own value. And while I would never want anyone to go through what I did, while I am certainly not grateful to X for the way he treated me, I am grateful for the experience of overcoming. I am grateful for all the lessons I learned.
Wonderful things can come from bad experiences.
In addition to finding my strength and knowing my value, something else amazing came out of that nightmare of a marriage. This past year, I gave birth to a wonderful, healthy, happy baby boy. I had reached the point in my life where I had assumed that I was only ever going to have my older child, that I would never bring another life into this world. While the timing was awful, and while it's never ideal to raise a child by yourself, that little boy has brought me and my older son so much joy. He literally lights up our lives. His presence completely filled the void that was left by losing a spouse and two step-children. I look in his eyes, and I am feel so lucky to have him. He is perfect beyond measure, and it is hard to believe that something so wonderful could come out of something so awful.
Stepping out of your comfort zone can lead to the most amazing experiences.
This entire past year was full of uncomfortable experiences. I told the story of my marriage to a divorce attorney who told me to file for divorce on the grounds of gross neglect and extreme cruelty. I had to ask my OB/GYN to run every STD test she could think of because I was married to a serial cheater. I was too embarrassed to go to birthing classes because I didn't have a partner to go with me. I had to tell my child that he was losing two brothers. I lost two amazing kids who I loved like my own. I read and listened to X lie about me and the history of our marriage as he created the classic narcissistic smear campaign. I gave birth during a global pandemic.
But there were also times that I chose to step outside of my comfort zone, and those experiences turned out to be incredible. I sought out psychological counseling last year. It's never comfortable to share your deepest secrets and fears with a complete stranger. But my therapist really helped me understand and process everything that happened in my marriage. She taught me how to let go of the negativity and focus on the opportunities this experience was providing.
I also joined a support group. I remember being so nervous as I walked into the first meeting. If it was hard to talk to one stranger about these private things, then how was I going to share them with a room full of strangers? But the support group helped me realize that I was not alone in my journey, that there really is strength and support in shared experiences, and that I have the capacity to help other people heal. I also met a good friend from group, and I am grateful for his role in my life.
I moved. During a pandemic. With a three-month-old. Right after I went back to work after maternity leave. Let me tell you how tricky that situation was. But now I have a total fresh start in a new home. I am no longer haunted by memories every time I wander around a big old house or drive down the street. This home is all mine. It is my safe haven. And it is full of so much love.
I participated in a boudoir photo shoot. It was very nerve-wracking to wear lingerie in front of people I had met five minutes previously. Some of the poses I was put in were physically uncomfortable. I also knew I was spending what I consider to be a small fortune on this experience out of the hope that it would allow me to see myself differently. But it worked. I saw my bravery. I saw my beauty. I fell in love with myself.
I can trust myself.
Leaving an abusive marriage created a lot of self-doubt. I questioned what it was about me that led X to pick me. I questioned how I had let someone treat me so poorly. I questioned my own value. When I first started dating, I was so afraid of being duped again. I saw red flags where there weren't any. I doubted every man's motives. My gut instinct was always to put up a wall and run away. It took some time and a lot of first dates to get over this. But now I realize that what's important here is that I do have instincts and that I can recognize red flags. And when I realized that I am the one in control here, that I have the power to end a budding relationship for any or no reason at all, that I know my worth and intend to make sure that anyone who I'm spending my time with knows it, too, that was incredibly liberating.
A first kiss is good at any age.
One of the harsh realities of getting divorced is the realization that you are losing the comfort of a marriage. No matter how good or bad the marriage, there is something alluring about the idea of having one dedicated person in your life, day in and day out. It can be overwhelming to realize that this person is now gone and you will have to date again. But there's also something incredibly exciting about dating. Sure, you might feel nervous and it might be awkward, but there are very few moments in life as genuinely sweet as a good first kiss. It's that moment when you're looking into his eyes, when you feel a little pull in your gut, when you involuntarily move closer to him as if you are being drawn in by a magnet. You feel butterflies in your stomach and an innocent excitement that simply isn't present in many other of life's experiences. So I am grateful that I have had the opportunity to experience another good first kiss... or two.
I bid 2020 farewell without any remorse or regrets. I am not sorry to see her go. But I am deeply appreciative of what she taught me.
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