Note: This post contains photos of a woman in lingerie. There is no nudity. All photos are courtesy of Love Gwaltney of https://www.gra-photography.com/ and are published with permission of the photographer.
Coming out of my marriage, I felt pretty awful about myself. X did everything in his power to make sure I felt completely undesirable. This is all part of the narcissistic abuse cycle. If the victim believes that she is so worthless and undesirable that no one else would want her, then why would she ever leave the abusive relationship she's found herself in?
X used so many tactics to make me feel this way. He made me gain weight by making fun of me when I tried to eat healthy, sabotaging every diet I started, suggesting unhealthy food, criticizing my cooking when I prepared healthy meals, and constantly bringing home junk food and sweet treats. Another favorite tactic of his was withholding sex. Nothing makes you feel more undesirable than knowing your husband is sleeping with literally everyone else but won't have sex with you.
After I had the baby, I started focusing on my appearance. I had already done so much work on my spirit during my pregnancy, but because I was pregnant, I didn't feel it was the right time to focus on my body. Mamas, you know how pregnancy messes with your body. There's no way you can become a physical goddess while carrying a human being in your womb. But after Baby was born and my body had recovered from pregnancy and childbirth, I felt a very strong need to feel like I looked as good on the outside as I felt on the inside. It's not that I'm vain or that I want to be considered gorgeous; it's that I was trapped in the self-doubt and general feelings of worthlessness that X had created. Most days, I was fine. But sometimes I would find myself thinking along those same lines that I had thought while I was in the midst of the abuse. If you've been with a narcissist, you know what I'm talking about. I'd look at a picture of myself and criticize every little negative detail instead of seeing how beautiful my smile was or how bright my eyes looked. I'd look in the mirror and focus on one tiny imperfection instead of noticing how much thinner I was or how nice that outfit looked on me. I would catch myself doing this and then have to remind myself that none of this negativity was true and that I was perfectly acceptable and probably desirable just the way I was.
So I decided to work on it. I exercised and ate healthier, and before I knew it, I was 30 pounds down from my pre-pregnancy weight. I started dying my hair to cover my grays. I even started making regular trips to the salon to get my eyebrows waxed and my eyelashes permed.
Even though I could see progress, was down two sizes, and felt great physically, I still was having trouble seeing myself as someone beautiful or sexy. And I still found myself thinking those same negative thoughts. It was like nothing I did was good enough. I just couldn't get rid of all these insecurities that X had instilled in me. I wanted to see myself differently. I wanted to see the physical representation of my inner self: fierce, strong, confident, and unstoppable. So I took a plunge into the world of boudoir photography.
This all started as a small trickle in the back of my mind, a what if thought that slowly blossomed into a strong desire. I looked up examples of boudoir photos on the internet, and as I was skimming through image after image of beautiful, sexy women, I realized a few things:
1. These women were goddesses. No matter what size, shape, age, or color they were, they were all stunningly beautiful in these photographs. They looked like lingerie models, but they were normal people, just like me. I realized that this was how I wanted to see myself. I wondered what I would like dressed and posed like that. I wondered if I, too, would look like a goddess.
2. These women were brave. They put their bodies on display for the world to see. There was no shame, no embarrassment, no hiding any parts of their bodies. I had done so much internal work to make myself brave after leaving X, but bravery isn't a quality you can physically see. But boudoir photography made that possible. I desperately wanted to see my bravery.
Now that I was sure I wanted to do a boudoir photo shoot, the next step was finding a photographer. I searched for boudoir photographers and began evaluating their web pages and photo galleries. The photo galleries all looked great, every photographer whose website I stumbled onto was great at his/her craft, but when I found Love's website, I knew she was the person I wanted to hire. Her website is this amazing testament to the joy of loving yourself. On her website, she writes about feeling similarly about her own appearance and how great she felt when she posed for her first boudoir photos. She discusses the power of finding and showing your inner sexy self. And of course, her photo galleries were stunning.
After one short conversation with Love, I booked my photo session and anxiously waited for the day to arrive. There was a moment when I considered booking it further out so I could lose a few more pounds and drop down one more size first. But then I remembered why I wanted to do this in the first place. This was about loving myself exactly the way I am, not the way I want to be. This was about being comfortable with my body as it is now, not 10 pounds lighter and one size smaller. The whole point of this experience was to see and embrace myself as I really am, and to accomplish that, I needed to do it now.
The photo shoot itself was a very fun and uplifting experience. I got to try on tons of lingerie, some of which was way outside my comfort zone. But as I tried on these lacy, sparkly, very small pieces of clothing, I was surprised at how good I felt in them. I also was treated to a professional hair and make-up artist, which my inner girly girl absolutely adored. And while I posed for my photos, Love and her assistant, Rachel, complimented me and cheered me on. This was the first time in a long time that I had felt like an entire day was designed just for me, full of people who genuinely wanted to make me feel great.
Despite my prior review of many boudoir photos and Love and Rachel's assurances that I looked great, nothing could have prepared me for the way I felt when I saw my pictures. The first picture Love showed me was me lying stomach down on a bed, my head propped on my hand, smiling at the camera. I looked at the girl in that photograph and said aloud, "That doesn't look like me." Love looked right at me and said, "Oh, yes, that's you." It wasn't even that my hair was done and I had professional makeup done. The girl in that image was confident and happy and absolutely beaming. I had felt that way for a while prior to the photo shoot, but I hadn't seen myself feeling that way. And after years of abuse and one hell of a divorce, I really needed to see it to solidify that my journey through healing was finally complete.
Then Love started showing me the rest of the pictures. I continued to be in complete shock. The woman in these images was stunning. She was sexy. She was everything I wanted to be. And she was me. I repeatedly made comments like, "My boobs aren't that big," "My stomach isn't that flat," and "Did you Photoshop these? I have cellulite on my thighs and butt," to which Love and Rachel replied, "Yes, they are," "Yes, it is," and 'No, I haven't edited these at all." It was the repeated reassurance that this really was my body photographed just the way it is that finally hit home. In one day, years of feeling unworthy, undesirable, and unwanted melted away. This experience was everything I wanted it to be. Love showed me how much my exterior beauty matches my inner sense of self. I felt like a goddess, just like all those women in the pictures I had looked at before my own photo shoot.
Not everyone is comfortable with the idea of stripping down to their undies and letting a stranger take photographs of them. I get that. I never thought I'd be comfortable doing this, either. And while I am thrilled with the way my photos turned out and how I see myself now, the real lesson I learned is this: We are all goddesses. No matter what you've been through, how far you've come, how much of your journey is left. No matter what you look like or how you feel, you are a goddess. You are brave, strong, and fierce. Overcoming abuse makes you a stronger, better, smarter person. And that is where your true beauty lies. I promise you that the rest of the world sees your beauty, even if you don't feel it yourself. I learned that my beauty was always there, hidden behind insecurities and self-doubt given to me by a man who is probably the most insecure of all. Your beauty is there, too.
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