Today, I'm going to continue to share my top 10 tips for overcoming abandonment. Before I get into Tip 3, I want to take a minute to stress that this is not an easy process. The experience of my husband leaving for me another woman when I was 9 weeks pregnant with our first child together has by far been the most difficult experience of my life. Immediately after he left, I was a mess. I felt like a tornado had come through, blown my life apart, and left everything in shambles. I cried all the time; I was constantly altering between quiet weeping and full-blown sobbing as I tried to get through each day. I walked through my house like a zombie, seeing the ghosts of Wusband and my step-children in every room of the house. I was besieged by memories. I thought about all the plans we had made and felt like I had been deprived of this life that I was supposed to have, this life that he had promised me. I was a broken shell of my former self, and I had no idea how to face a new day, let alone put the pieces of my life back together.
Sound familiar? If you are still in this phase of grief after abandonment, know that you are not alone. I've been there. We've all been there. And while this phase can be all-consuming and it feels like it will never end, believe me when I say it does. I believe that we all experience grief differently and heal at different rates, so I can't tell you when it will end. Just trust that you won't feel this way forever. But you may be asking, "How do I move past this?"
The turning point for me was when I saw this meme on Facebook:
This quote resonated with me in a way that nothing else had. I refused to let this experience become my identify. I refused to be a victim, to let the scars of abandonment determine who I would be. My identity for six years had been largely impacted by my relationship with Wusband. I knew I had to find a new version of myself to move on with my life. But I didn't want that new me to be a bitter, untrusting, lonely, old hag. Instead, I chose to let this experience define me in another way, in one that would lead to strength, growth, and awareness. I wanted the new me to be triumphant, confident, and strong. I wanted to be able to look at the world at say, "Yes, this happened to me. But I know better now. And I found a whole new me that is wiser, stronger, and happier than I have ever been."
So this brings up to Tip 3: Make a choice.
My previous two tips to overcome abandonment were to (1) look back over your relationship with brutal honesty, and (2) stop communicating with your ex. As I said in my last post, following through with these tips isn't easy. If you've tried either or both of my other two tips, I'm sure you will agree that they took an extreme amount of willpower and maybe even temporarily caused more pain before leading to relief. Well, Tip 3 is even harder because it means consciously shifting your state of mind. And that is never easy.
Choosing to overcome your abandonment means that you consciously decide to move past it. This takes an enormous effort. You must constantly keep this thought at the forefront of your mind. You must make this decision every moment of every day. I know what you're thinking: How am I supposed to do that? I can barely stay on this emotional roller coaster ride as it is! How am I supposed to control my feelings and reactions?
Wouldn't you like that roller coaster to end? Don't you want to be able to pull the brake lever and get off that ride? This is the way to do it. Allow me to explain by providing some examples of how I do this.
Sometimes, I will be watching TV and something will come on the screen that reminds me of Wusband. Right now, my biggest trigger is Christmas jewerly commercials. You know, the ones where the guy creates some huge romantic gesture to tell the girl how much he loves her before giving her a small box to open? And then she smiles and they kiss? These commercials are so romantic and so effective because we all want to have moments like those. We all want to feel that way. And Wusband used to make me feel that way, and when those commercials come on, I think, Did he ever really feel that way? Will anyone ever feel that way about me again? And then I feel myself sliding down the slippery slope of depression.
When this happens, I have two options: I can either be overcome with emotion and cry, caving in to the sadness, or I can get up and refocus my attention on something else. So I choose option 2. I say to myself, "No, I am not getting sad right now," I turn off the TV, and I do something that shifts my focus away from my emotions. I might read a book, go check on my son, do the dishes, look for a new recipe for dinner tomorrow, anything that serves as a temporary distraction.
Here's another example. Lying in bed at night, in the quiet, in the dark, it is really easy to let your thoughts get out of control. Sometimes, this will be the first time in a busy day when I have actually had time to just think. And it can be easy to look at the other side of the bed, where he used to sleep, see how empty it is, and be reminded of how lonely you are. For me, seeing that empty side of the bed is a daily reminder that he left. Early on, I curled up with his pillow and cried myself to sleep. But not anymore. Now, I make a conscious effort to focus on what's great about having this bed to myself. I hate to be touched when I'm sleeping, and now no one bothers me. I can sleep in the middle of the bed. I can wrap myself in the covers like a burrito without having to worry about sharing. I don't have to listen to him snore. And most importantly, if I wake up in the middle of the night, I don't have to sneak over to his side of the bed to steal his phone and go hide in the bathroom as I scan through all of his texts and emails, looking for evidence of yet another affair.
I also make a conscious effort to use this quiet time to plan my future. When the abandonment was fresh, I would torture myself by replaying scenes from our marriage, by thinking that I was giving up on dreams we had made together, and by wondering what I did wrong to make him leave. Instead of allowing my mind to go down these negative paths, I now choose more positive paths. For example, instead of thinking about the plans he and I had made, I think about my own dreams. What do I want that he wasn't supportive of? Where do I want to go? I've always wanted to go to Wizarding World at Universal Studios, and honestly, Wusband and I were probably never going to be able to take our family of five there. Not because we couldn't afford it, but because (1) he probably would never have taken enough time off from work to go, and (2) he would never have made it a priority to save the money for the trip. So now when I lie in bed at night, I fantasize about taking my kids there and plan ways to save money so that we can actually make this trip a reality when Baby-to-Be is old enough to go.
So how did I get to this point where I was able to shift my thinking from Woe is me to I have hope for the future? It took practice. And I had to make myself do it. My best advice to achieve this positive mental state is to start with something small. Think of one thing that triggers sadness for you. Is it a certain song? A photograph? A memory? Whatever it is, the next time this trigger occurs, say to yourself, "No, I refuse to be sad right now," and move away from the trigger and re-shift your focus onto something else. Do this consciously every time you experience the trigger. Then choose another trigger and do the same thing. Eventually, you will become good at controlling your emotional reaction and will be able to shift your mindset completely. But remember, this has to be a conscious decision all the time. And you also have to ready to be done with the crying-all-the-time stage of grief, or this won't work. And it's okay if you're not ready yet.
But when you are ready, remember that you do have the power to get off that rollercoaster. And you never have to ride it again.
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