It's been 71 days since I opened Wusband's Facebook Messenger and learned about his fourth affair. It's been 50 days since we decided to get a divorce. 50 days since he slept in my house. 50 days since he abandoned me. 50 days since my world fell apart.
Those first few weeks were among the most painful and torturous I have ever experienced. There were days I wasn't sure I would be able to get out of bed and face my life, nights I couldn't sleep even after taking a sleeping pill, and moments when the pain was so physically excruciating that I thought I would break into a million pieces.
But you know what? I got out of bed. I started sleeping, in short increments at first, then gradually for longer periods of time, until I slept through the entire night. The pain slowly ebbed away. I didn't break.
There's an old saying that "time heals all wounds." And this is true, to an extent. Time dulls pain and allows crystal clear memories to fade into black and white. But it doesn't make us forget. It doesn't prevent scars from forming. And it doesn't change what happened or how we respond to it. We are the only ones who have control over what we do when we think our world has ended.
In my next few posts, I am going to share with you the top 10 things I did to begin healing and take my life back. I'm only 71 days out from D-Day (Discovery Day, or the day you learn about the affair, in infidelity lingo), so I'm not going to pretend that I am perfectly fine and 100% happy. I still have bad days. I still get sad sometimes. I still cry. But the good days now outnumber the bad. I am generally content (or at least ambivalent) more often that I am sad. And I don't cry every day. Things started to get easier, and I started to feel better, once I began doing these 10 things. I am sharing them with you in the hopes that you will find one thing that resonates with you and that dulls your pain, if only just a little.
Here are my top 10 tips to heal from abandonment:
1. Be honest
2. Ignore him
3. Make a choice
4. Get it out
5. Be social
6. Talk about it
7. Stay busy
8. Get counseling
9. Find a support group
10. Read self-help books
Today's post will focus on Tip 1: Be honest.
When you are reeling from infidelity and abandonment, you are consumed with trying to figure out why it happened. It's really easy to point the finger at yourself and take all the blame (especially when your cheating spouse is already doing that, too). I found myself constantly asking what if? What if I had reacted differently? What if I had been more supportive? What if I had done this, or hadn't done that?
STOP IT! You did not make him cheat. He did that all by himself. You can blame the other woman, too, but one thing you have to face is that if it hadn't had been her, it would've been someone else. At some point, he decided not to share his concerns with you. He decided to seek comfort and affirmation outside of your marriage. He decided to cross that line. You could have been the worst wife in the world, but you did not make him cheat. It was a conscious decision he made. After all, I'm sure there were times in your marriage when you wished he would pay more attention to you, when you felt undesired, when he did things that drove you crazy. Did you cheat? No. No matter how you handled it, you chose to stay faithful. He did not.
So stop looking at yourself. Instead, look at him. And look at your marriage. This is hard to do because it requires you to be a little objective and to be willing to see things you may have ignored in the past. It also will hurt, maybe a lot. But I found so much relief and a little bit of closure in finally seeing the truth.
Here's what to do: Slowly review your marriage. Think about major events and memories you shared together. Think about the every-day complacency in between those major events. Think about how he made you feel. Think about what you really wanted and expected out of a marriage and a husband. Think about all the things he did that made you feel wonderful. And think about all the things he did that made you feel terrible. As you reivew your marriage, ask yourself questions like these:
- What was I doing and thinking during these times?
- What was he doing during these times?
- If I could guess at what he was thinking during these times, what would that be?
- Did I notice anything strange or suspicious?
- Did I ignore things?
- Did I prevent myself from speaking up or asking a question?
- How did he make me feel?
- When was the last time he made me feel really good? Really bad?
- How often did he make me feel really good? Really bad?
- Did he give me what I wanted and expected? Did he meet my needs?
- How did he respond to my attempts to communicate my needs?
- How did he communicate with me?
- What kind of effort did I put into our marriage? What kind of effort did he put in?
- When was the last time I really felt loved?
This process helped me realize the extent of the infidelity, manipulation, and emotional abuse I was subjected to. But here are some other things I learned:
When D-Day was more recent, I would tell people how confused I was because we had just shared some amazing memories. I talked a lot about our anniversary weekend away and cited it as an example of how we were happy and his behavior just didn't make sense. But when I looked back on that weekend from this new perspective of brutal honesty, I realized that he wasn't happy that weekend at all. He didn't hold my hand while we went hiking; in fact, he walked about 20-50 paces ahead of me at all times. He was so upset that his phone couldn't get on the WiFi at our cabin, and that was probably because he couldn't text The Other Woman #4. He didn't wait for me to get in the hot tub, and he didn't get out when I did. Looking back, I don't think he really wanted to be there with me.
Every amazing moment that made me feel loved and adored had happened years ago. If someone were to ask me for an example of a time when he was supportive, romantic, or made me feel like a big deal, I would only be able to give examples from several years back. I could not think of a single recent memory in which I felt that he was putting in an effort to show me how much he cared for and loved me. This helped me realize that he probably hadn't been committed to me in a while, and that the best parts of our marriage had probably ended long before I found out about the most recent affair.
I actually wasn't all that happy. I wasn't unhappy. And I definitely wanted to stay in the marriage and have a chance to live out all the plans we had made and fulfill all the dreams we had fantasized about. But he didn't really meet my needs. He stopped giving my flowers, even on birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day, and Mother's Day. I know it seems petty, but my dad always gave my mom fresh flowers, even for no reason at all, and I had told Wusband hundreds of times that this one small thing was important to me because it was a way he could let me know he was thinking of me and appreciated me. But he didn't do it. He wouldn't make any decisions. Every decision was left up to me, whether it was what color to paint a room, where to go to dinner, or who to hire to fix something in the house. He never followed through with anything unless I reminded him at least a half dozen times. He did very little to help me take care of the house. And he made me feel guilty for spending time with my son instead of him.
These are just some examples of what I learned by honestly examining my marriage. I admit this was a painful experience. And it was difficult to admit the truth to myself, not just the truth of the betrayals, manipulation, and abuse, but the truth that our marriage had really been going downhill for quite a while before I noticed it. However, once I had seen our marriage for what it really was - and had seen him for who he really is - I understood it better. The loss of the marriage still hurt, of course, but it wasn't as big of a loss as I had initially thought, because I had actually lost it long before D-Day. And the realization that he wasn't meeting my needs made it a little easier for me accept that he was gone and to let him go.
So try this. Find a time when you are alone and it is quiet. Give yourself enough time to thoroughly think things through. I wonder what truths you will discover.
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