As one year ends and a new one begins, I usually take some time to reflect on the lessons I learned over the past year and what I want to accomplish over the upcoming one. As 2019 ended two days ago, I found this process difficult because it was such a difficult year. I'm having a hard time putting a positive spin on 2019 and finding hope for 2020. But here goes:
In 2019, I lost a job. It was a job I really enjoyed doing with people whom I genuinely liked. This job loss put a strain on my family's finances and forced us to postpone or forego some travel and home improvement plans. I experienced months of job-hunting and rejections. I work in a very competitive industry where full-time gigs are hard to find. This was a humbling experience for me, both as a professional and as a person.
In 2019, I had more free time than I knew what to do with. I used this time to connect with my child and my step-children. Because I didn't have any work-related stress or time constraints, I was able to keep the house clean and didn't have to nag the kids or Wusband to help. I felt less burdened and enjoyed my time with my family more than I ever had. I think all the kids felt the difference and enjoyed their time with me, too. I am now incredibly grateful that I had this much free time to spend with the family, as I have since lost three of those family members. I am grateful for all the memories we made that I can carry with me as I grieve the loss of a spouse and two children. I am grateful for the family events I was able to facilitate for the kids to spend time together, as my child no longer has those brothers in his life. I hope I created some good memories for him to hold on to, as well.
In 2019, I started a new job. This new position has taken my career further than I thought was possible at this stage in my life, considering my age and experience. This new job has turned out to be the best possible thing that could've happened to me, both financially and professionally. This job gives me the flexibility and financial stability I need to be a single mom (and to deal with the scheduling conundrums of divorce and pregnancy). I am grateful for this job and also, in a way, for the loss of my previous position that led me down this path.
In 2019, I got pregnant by a man who does not want our child and ultimately abandoned me, my son, and this unborn baby. I heard my husband, a man I loved deeply and who I thought felt the same way, tell me to get an abortion. I experienced tremendous anxiety and fear over being pregnant and raising this child alone.
In 2019, I felt my baby move inside me. I heard the baby's heart beat. I saw the little body and the flicker of the heart beating in an ultrasound. Each week, I get those pregnancy updates about how big the baby is and how the baby is developing. I get to read about and feel the miracle that is the growth of a human being. There are a lot of negative side effects of pregnancy (the nauseau, the vomiting, the exhaustion, the aches and pains, etc, etc.), but there are also so many truly awesome things happening inside my body. And in 2019, I got to begin this fantastic journey.
In 2019, I lost a husband. The love of my life walked out on me to be with another woman. I experienced more grief than I had ever felt before. I cried so many tears that I am still amazed that my body is capable of continuing to produce them. The enormity of my emotional pain actually caused me physical duress; I could literally feel my heart breaking.
In 2019, I learned the truth about my marriage and my husband. The reality of his narcissim, manipulation, and emotional abuse slapped me in the face. I was forced to accept that he never loved me the way I loved him, that he never was the man he pretended to be, and that the life I thought we had built together was all a facade.
In 2019, I discovered the truth about emotional abuse. I educated myself on marriage, infidelity, narcissim, and abuse. I learned so much about who Wusband really is and what he had put me through. And I not only survived it, but I also emerged stronger and wiser and even proud of myself for finally escaping the toxic relationship I had been in. While losing my marriage is the most difficult thing I have ever lived through, and am still living through as the drama of divorce continues to play out, I learned truths about myself that I never would have otherwise discovered. I learned how much I can bear, how much support I have, how much I am able to offer others in need, and how strong and capable I am. In 2019, I found myself again.
2020 won't be an easy year, either. I will get divorced this year, and if Wusband's current actions are any indication of what I can expect, this will be an extremely lengthy and messy process. He will continue to attempt to control and manipulate me as much as he can. He will continue to do everything he can to screw me over. But no matter what he tries, no matter what happens, I am on to his games now, and I know who he is. I refuse to be his victim. I will let him continue to show the courts his true nature and will walk away smiling when I am granted the fairness I deserve in this divorce.
I will have a baby this year. I will probably raise this child alone; Wusband will most likely not be a part of this baby's life. I will get up for all the middle-of-the-night feedings. I will be the only one changing diapers, doing laundry, making baby food, hushing a crying baby, trying to find time to spend with my older son, and doing everything that is normally split between two parents. But I accept this challenge and will rise to the occassion with the same strength and grace with which I faced abandoment.
I will grow my family this year. My son will get to be a big brother for the first time in his life. And the void that was created by the loss of two children will be partially fulfilled with this new child entering our lives. This baby will be showered with love and will fill our hearts with joy. I'm already a mom; I know how much love and happiness a child brings. I am so excited to share this with my son.
2019 was hard. 2020 will also be hard. But as I reflect on this past year and what I expect out of the year to come, I see that there were some positive changes and life lessons learned. And there will be more positivity and more growth and learning to come.
Thank you for sharing your story. My situation was different, as Wusband didn’t threaten to leave me if I had the baby. He had one foot out the door and in another woman’s bed our entire marriage. There was a moment I thought he would stay with me for the baby, but I seriously misjudged his moral compass. We all do what we need to to try to save our marriages because we love our spouses. We never know at the time if we are doing the right thing. I know I’ve made my share of mistakes. I have my share of regrets. I wish you the best of luck and will keep hoping you are healing and finding the…
I'm envious that you had the strength to keep your baby even though he didn't want him. I wasn't so strong. My ex told me that if we had this baby, we would wind up divorced. He wasn't working at the time, hadn't for years. I had to short-sale the house I bought before he and I married, we already had two sons of our own and his older son was now living with us and I was the sole provider in our household. I remember waking up from the procedure crying, put my hands in the airs and gasped "My God, what have I done!" I gave up a child to keep my husband who ended up betraying us.…