Good news, friends: Tip 5 is probably the easiest of my Top 10 Tips for Healing after Abandonment. This tip takes very little effort on your part and is one of the best tips for distracting you from the downward spiral into post-abandonment depression. So let's get right to it, shall we? Tip 5 is to be social.
Tip 5 is all about finding and spending time with a network of family and friends. Why is being social so important after you've been abandoned by your spouse? Because it makes you feel better. It's really that simple. But here are some specific reasons rekindling your social life is good for you when you're struggling with infidelity and abandonment:
1. If your spouse cheated on you and then left you (especially if he left for the affair partner), you are probably feeling pretty blue. You might have a very low self-esteem and might be incapable of seeing anything positive in yourself. I think it's pretty common for anyone in this situation to wonder what's wrong with you, to feel like a failure, and to generally just feel like you weren't good enough.
(Pardon this interruption on the benefits of being social while I address these negative feelings. There is nothing wrong with you! Your spouse, to quote Alanis Morissette, is "an asshole of the grandest kind." He is narcisstic, insensitive, selfish, and cruel. No matter what reason he gave you for cheating on you or leaving you, even if he blamed you, it was not your fault. I've said this in posts before, but it is worth repeating: It wouldn't have mattered if you were the best or worst spouse on the planet. You could be an 11 on the hotness scale of 1-10. You could have made his toes curl between the sheets multiple times a day. You could have been Susie Home Maker and kept his house impeccable and put five-star meals on his table. (This was me, by the way.) You could have financially supported his education, business ventures, or other half-cocked schemes. You could have been perfect. And he would have cheated anyway. How is that possible, you ask? Because that's just who he is. So stop blaming yourself and crawl out of the pit of self-despair.)
So if you've been feeling not-so-great lately, it can be hard to realize that even though your spouse forgot how amazing you are, there are other people in your life who remember. And spending time with them will help you remember, too. Listen to these people when they tell you that he doesn't deserve you, that you're a rock star, that you're far too good for him. They are telling you the truth. Let them boost your ego while you're down. Your ego needs it.
2. Being social distracts you. I know those first few weeks after D-Day, it can be hard to motivate yourself to do anything. My first few solo evenings and weekend were spent in my pajamas hiding under the covers, crying constantly, rereading text messages and emails, going through old pictures, and generally doing everything that just made me feel worse. So I decided that the next evening or weekend I was free that I was not going to do this to myself anymore. I reached out to a friend and asked her to hang out. I spent a few hours engaged in something other than self-pity. I had good conversation and got out of my own head for a little bit. It was a much-needed distraction from the private mourning I had been doing.
I then began filling most of my free moments with plans with family and friends. I reached out to everyone I know: close friends, family members, old friends I had lost contact with, and acquaintances whom I'd always wanted to get to know better. I was unsure how this would turn out because I had previously fallen into the Marriage Social Life Death Trap. If you've ever been married, then you probably have experienced this. You get so focused on your spouse and family and all the obligations with them that you speak to and see your friends less and less until... poof!... your spouse and family are your entire social life. You always want to see your friends more often or hang out with that cool new girl at work, but you just can't seem to find time. After all, your spouse and kids are the most important people in your life, so of course you spend most of your time with them.
I was enormously surprised and grateful for the overwhelming support I received from my family and friends. My calendar was filling up so quickly that I had to schedule some plans a few weeks out. At first, I was willing to do anything with anyone just to have something to do that didn't involve the Hallmark Channel and a carton of ice cream. But the more I spent time with other people, the more I really enjoyed the variety of activities and interactions I was having. I hadn't been that social since college. I reconnected with old friends and remembered why we enjoyed each other so much and wondered how I had ever let them slip so far away. I became closer with new friends and acquaintances and was grateful for the ever-expanding girl tribe forming around me. I spent more time with my family (parents, siblings, and cousins) than I had since childhood. It was fun, it distracted me, and it helped me realize how much support I had, which brings us to...
3. Your social circle will become your cocoon of support. In my experience, every person to whom I reached out offered a tremendous amount of support. The support offered was different for everyone. Some people offered time, some a non-judgmental ear. Others offered financial help, and still others offered parenting assistance. Some just reminded me that I still had a life - a really full life - without Wusband. But there wasn't a single person who wrote me off, ignored me, or refused to at least talk to me (except, of course, for Wusband).
This might not be the case for you. You may reach out to people who are too busy or uncomfortable to "deal with" your situation. I'm sure that will sting. So leave those people to themselves and reach out to others. You can alwys revisit those friendships later when you aren't already hurting and determine if those people are worth your time. And in the meantime, you might make even better friends who turn out to be more valuable to you anyway.
Take whatever support people offer. Sometimes it's helpful just to know that support is out there. Talk to your support system about what you're experiencing (which is Tip 6, coming up next), let them boost your spirits, and enjoy your time with them. And if at the end of the day, you still feel the need to throw yourself a pity party, your pajamas will still be waiting for you.
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