Dear Husband,
I went to the ultrasound today. You weren't there.
I don't want to see you. And I don't want you to be a part of this baby's life. Now that I know the real you, I don't want you to be a part of my life in any way, ever again. But do you know what I do want? I want the husband I thought you were, the one you pretended to be. He would not have left me after learning I was pregnant. He would come to OB appointments. He would have been there with me today and held my hand during the ultrasound. He would have shared in the excitement and miracle of this pregnancy. He would have smiled and kissed me and been amazed by the image of those tiny little hands and feet on the ultrasound screen.
You are missing everything. Pregnancy is a miracle. Bringing a child into the world is miraculous. You left so early on in the pregnancy that you haven't experienced any of it. You haven't watched my belly grow. You haven't felt the baby kick. You haven't heard the baby's heart beat. And today, you missed your child's ultrasound. You have no idea if the baby is healthy or not. You don't know the gender. You don't know if this pregnancy is normal or if I'm on bed rest in the midst of a high-risk pregnancy. You haven't even seen what I look like with this ever-growing baby bump.
Did you know that the stress over your affair combined with morning sickness caused me to lose 15 pounds at the beginning of this pregnancy? Do you know that I still haven't gained it back? Yep, I'm 21 weeks now (which you probably also didn't know) and still weigh about 10 pounds less than I did before I was pregnant.
I bought a crib for the baby. My mom and I went to this terrible neighborhood to buy this affordable used crib off of some lady from Facebook. She and I loaded the parts into the car and then unloaded them when we got home. My dad and brother helped me put the crib together. The nursery is going to be in your former music room. At least there will be one room in this house that will produce some new memories and serve a new purpose. At least I've stopped thinking about you every time I walk into that one room.
Did you know my mom is going to throw me a baby shower? I know I'm already a mom, but it's been 10 years since I've been pregnant. We got rid of all the baby stuff one year before we got pregnant. And now I need to buy everything all over again. I completed the baby registry. I have to admit, it wasn't very fun picking out baby stuff by myself. I remember completing the registry the first time I was pregnant, with my first husband. We had so much fun picking things out and were so excited about the idea of being parents. We couldn't wait to use all the stuff we chose; we couldn't wait to meet our son. I never thought there would be a time where I would compare the two of you and realize he is the better man, better husband, and better father. He wasn't perfect, and he wasn't the right man for me, but he stuck around while I was pregnant, and he never cheated on me.
It has been tremendously difficult to feel excited about this pregnancy. The entire experience has been clouded by your abandonment. No woman should ever have to experience pregnancy and divorce simultaneously. I am so angry with you for ruining this experience for me. This will probably be the last child I bring into this world, and I'm doing it without the father. There are not enough words to express my utter disappointment in you and the complete disgust I feel towards you.
But during today's ultrasound, I felt an immense surge of love towards our child. I saw his face, watched his tiny heart beat in his chest, and saw his little hands and feet waving and kicking like crazy. Without any other prompting, I fell in love with him, right there in the ultrasound room. For the first time, I am excited about being pregnant and having this baby.
I've always known I would be capable of doing this without you. I don't expect or want anything from you (the real you, the you that exists now) other than for you to pay child support. But today, I could clearly see the future with my two sons. I imagined rocking the baby to sleep, feeling his warmth as he snuggles up against my chest. I imagined my son holding his little brother for the first time. I imagined watching the baby turn into a toddler and follow his older brother around the house. I felt all the love that is to come when this little guy enters the world.
So go ahead and stay away, Husband. Keep pretending that we don't exist. Keep building your new life with Other Woman #4. I will keep focusing on my children. I will continue to look forward to meeting our son. In the end, I will have so much love and joy, and you will be the one missing out.
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